Many a relationship meets a Roadblock and misunderstanding of:
"You don't listen to me!"
"But I thought..."
"We don't talk anymore!"
"You don't understand me at all!"
What is expressed is an anguish of being unheard or not understood.
From times immemorial, these blocks exist. The sad part, however, we are not trained in the simple art of Listening.
We hear but not Listen.
Technology has added its own complications.
Fortunately there are ways we can fine tune our listening skills and ensure our partner, child, colleague, parent that we are available and present for them.
Listed below are five ways to Listen compassionately and lovingly.
* Give Eye Contact.
Yes, really look at the person you are talking to. We have nowadays begun skipping this simple and vital skill. Infact the generation before too began hiding behind newspapers and television sets. Now, we do it with our cell phones. While talking to our loved ones, if our one eye or divided attention is on scrolling the next story on the cell, it spells disaster!
Let us put the cell phone aside and away, when we enter a meaningful conversation and be present to whatever is being said.
"Look at the person, into the eyes with cell phones, files, TV remote, newspaper, book far far away!
*Lean physically a Little towards the person.
The non verbal plays a huge role in showing you care. If you physically move even slightly away from the person, you tell them about your lack of interest in whatever that is transpiring. When we are avidly interested in what is being said, we move closer to the conversation. So, a good way to show you are with them is to slightly, not uncomfortably, lean towards them.
*Rephrase what you hear.
"Hmm! Yeah! Right!" are Conversation killers. They stop the flow. They do not take what one wants to say forward. Many a spouse complains "My husband/wife does not talk to me"
Many a child or parent are greeted with Hmms n ok! It fills the air with resentment and it simmers to later break into a full blown one sided brawl.
To avoid this, one good practice is to hear what is being said and rephrase the meaning as you understand it. It will clarify a lot, besides making the person feel at least an attempt is made to listen.
A small example
Wife: What shall we have for dinner?
Husband: Anything will do!
Wife: What do you mean anything? I don't know to cook "anything!"
Husband : Don't start again. Order from outside or whatever you feel like, Do!
Many a quarrels begin here.
Maybe we can take it like
Wife: What shall we have for dinner?
Husband : Hmm, seems like you have run out of options?
Wife: Yes, I am bored of making the same stuff!
Husband: You find same food boring? What options we have? Can we order or go out?
Here when husband acknowledges the boredom and is present, Creative solutions come forth and wife at least ends up feeling heard.
*Check and Clarify what you hear.
"But I thought you wanted to..." the base of misunderstanding is "I thought"
Why not check with words to avoid a clash.
Often we assume what the other person wants based on our perception. We rarely check the facts.
Look at the following example
Husband: Ah! Sunday Holiday is what I m looking forward to.
Wife: Yeah well! I have booked tickets for the movie that has released our friends can join in too. Shall I call?
Husband: What you booked tickets, without even asking me?
Wife: But I thought, you were looking forward to Sunday and I thought you loved movies.
Husband: I was looking forward to resting not entertaining you...
No guessing where this conversation can land.
Instead of assuming if the conversation went this way
Husband: Ah! Sunday Holiday is what I m looking forward to.
Wife: Yes, Sunday is appealing to you isn't it?
Husband: Yes, one full day of Rest. I will get up late. No alarm clocks.
Wife: Yes alarms have a way of hurrying you. You plan to sleep late and then?
Husband: And then? Let's see. I just want to get up without hurry. You can plan later something for the day.
Wife: A movie perhaps?
Husband : Whatever you say!
Checking what you think will immensely make both parties clarify any and all assumptions. A surefire way to feel connected is checking what you think is the other one thinking!
Phrases like "So you think..?"
"Hmm what do you have in mind?"
"I feel..." will be handy. Do try them.
*Wait the pauses!
Often, we are uncomfortable with the silence. A person feels heard when you wait the pauses out and let the person speak his/her mind.
Often the pauses signify a period of a person struggling to find the right words. There maybe hesitation as to how he or she will be judged. There is anxiety as to how the truth will be received. So the person pauses.
Dad : So how are your studies going on Son?
Son: Ok... Just...
Dad: Just what? As usual feeling bored!
Son: No dad but...
Dad: No ifs and buts you better study and get huge percentage. My reputation depends on it.
Son: Yes Dad.
If we waited the pause maybe we may get to the core
Dad: So, how are your studies going on?
Son: Ok... Just...
Dad: Just...
Son: Just that... I..
Dad: You want to share something? Tell me...
Son: Dad, I find...
Dad: Yes son...?
Son: Dad I don't know...
Dad: Take your time...
Son: Dad, I find Math tough.
Dad: Tough as in...
Son: I am unable to get few concepts.. I tried but...
Dad : You feel tensed you cannot manage the subject as well
Son: Yes Dad. I have requested my Sir to give extra practice but..
Dad: There is something more...
Son: Yes actually...
Dad: You can tell me.
Son: Dad, I don't want to appear for the Entrance test for engineering. I feel I am not for it.
Dad: Hmm. For now give your best shot to studies. We will discuss this later.
A Counselling personnel wins the moment by allowing the silence to stretch into eloquence. We can do the same thing. Often people mistake the silence or pause with "End of Conversation". They add their own conclusions and there goes another chance at connecting deeply.
Using eye Contact, leaning expectantly, waiting eagerly will encourage the other person come through. Check and clarify once the feeling or thought is shared.
The aim of Human Connection is to deepen our existence and make it more meaningful.
Do try out these listening skills and share your experiences.
