I am a woman and a human. At both counts this species and variety is always on the elusive quest for Happiness. In childhood, happiness was a station, I thought, I would arrive at ‘when so and so happens!’
When I graduate, I would be happy.
When I get to marry my love I would be happy.
When I will have a child I would be happy.
When I earn a certain figure I would be happy.
"Until I realized, happiness is not a destination you arrive at, but a condition or state of mind you cultivate."
It is when you stop laying conditions but begin living with your conditions.
My tryst with happiness began early, but the understanding of it, came in my thirties.
Till then I considered myself, the most unhappiest version of the human species, who ever walked the Earth.
Then I discovered some very important things:
My own power to effect changes to an uncomfortable situation.
I learned rules are not absolutes but can be experimented with.
Other people’s opinions belonged to them and them alone.
Life is fluid and one can change as and when.
Happiness I found, in the roles I played:
Though we had a love match, I felt I was the most unattractive woman on the block. I did not deserve to be loved by my husband. I neither paid any attention to how I groomed nor to how I talked. I was morose and complaining all the time. Till one day, I realized I would drive away the very guy I fell in love. Huge inner changes were necessary. I had stopped learning or ushering new elements in my life.
I thought I was a post graduate; I ought to do no more. A critical illness of my husband made me realise how important he was, and is for me. I moved mountains of Faith to have him survive and vowed to do everything to keep us Happy. I began by admitting 'I am human and I made mistakes.' I listened deeply at the unhappiness I created and began in bits and parts changing it. I am a simple person, not given to much cosmetics or finery but I dazzle now with an inner glow. I learned to flirt with my husband again. I learned to find my own arousal points and demonstrated to my husband how we can please and be complete.
I became brutally honest to negotiate my needs, my wants, my aspirations. My need to learn more, read more books. To my surprise an involved wife stimulated my husband to pursue his Goals that he had abandoned as a child and young adult to fulfill family obligations. We inspire each other with love, hugs, our pursuits, our goals that are entwined together and we earn together. ‘Why should financial responsibility be shouldered by the man alone? ‘
We do it together. We do everything together financially, socially and emotionally.
We are two rocking-growing individuals supporting the other, whether it is cooking, cleaning, renovating our home, creating income, raising children, facing the world. We are gently locked in our embrace, held enough to provide warmth to each other, venture out to learn new stuff, give our goals completion and return back to the embrace. There is no doubt now about our commitment to each other. That secure wife makes a happy wife.
Yes, my husband loves me more than when we first met. I feel I am more desirable, scintillating and fulfilling. Yes, my husband’s love creates the glow but it is me who decided to plug in to the energy that resided and I had disconnected. It is liberating to know, love was and is always there, it is we who ignore or choose to neglect. No more. Happy begins now with me and stays with me. I have the power to gently keep my husband’s heart or manipulatively toss it around.
Thank God, I kicked my own butt and decided to not be the ‘Delicate Willie’ instead a wife fully capable of receiving and Giving love. Apologizing when she errs, mending what she can. Begin each day, hugging the treasure of love that my husband is. He is not an item needing reformation but a gem deserving loving attention.
I got lucky not once but twice. When I held my first born, a delicate but firm compartment was made in my heart for this little one. A forever space etched. He was premature. To breast feed him in the incubator room, it took me good ten minutes to reach with my C-sec stitches. I was no longer a woman regarding her pain as paramount. That little being crying out in hunger and seeking comfort became my priority.
I was suggested to go for formula foods, but well a mother was born that day! She remains alive till today. Taking decisions for him has been an empowering journey through and through. Women take maternity leaves when they birth a baby, I joined the work force on the 40th day of my baby’s birth. My ailing husband and family feuds plunged us in financial morass.
The mother in me promised fiercely, my child will not lack a thing and depend on others for support. I won’t ask anyone to support his needs. He was my and my husband’s responsibility. Why should my husband toil alone? So I joined his tuition classes. So my dude learned his Math, Grammar, Sciences while breastfeeding, tucked in a baby wrap while I or my husband strapped him close to our bosom and teach.
Grandparents on both sides felt they had enough baby rearing and wanted no more of it. I guess I became a stronger person juggling diaper changing, breastfeeding, putting baby to sleep, creating healthy but instant available foods in weaning stages, cooking for us, running a household, checking papers, teaching children various subjects.
My second dude was widely welcomed by the three of us. I repeat the routine. This time I began work on the 15th day of his birth. Life has been a picnic, making decisions that were not the popular choices. Right from childhood, they were never gender-coloured. All chores of household belonged to all of us. Nothing is mummy’s job or daddy’s job. We divide few chores but fill in for others.
We are growing together. When once asked about 'How mummy reduced your screen time?',my younger dude, he giggles. "She did not 'reduce my screen time' but increased her screen-time', mom began watching stuff with me."
Kid happy, Mom happy!
Yes, we each have our own cell phones and we pursue our own activities on it. I blog on my cell and my hubby makes short films and edits it himself, elder kid blogs and puts up V--logs.
Cell phones have been our boon and empowering ally. When I am wondering aloud, which hob-top to take on my kitchen, my elder dude comes up on google a systematic appraisal of all that is available in the market.
When I wonder where is 'North' exactly in our house, my younger one comes in with a compass on his cell ‘Here Mom! Your north.’
Technology is not to be dreaded but utilized well.
They enthusiastically pitch in to home chores when needed too. All we need to see that others need a helping hand and the cell phones are put aside. We are a hardworking unit and so as a Mommy, I don’t need to plead and please a domestic maid. We are sufficient and enough to do whatever required. That comes from years of careful cultivating love for labour, personal responsibility and efficiency.
We care for our kid’s welfare. We trust their own capabilities of deciding for themselves. When we observed the chaos the ‘School system’ created on our bright children’s growing personality, we cut clean. We took the decision to ‘homeschooling our kids.’
Life is free of exams, uniforms, competitions, deadlines, partiality stories, project work and the ‘tiffin woes’. Yes, this mommy invests more in reading with the children, encouraging, exploring topics on their own, inculcating self-reliance and letting them be. Children flourish on their own. As a mom then, my job is encouraging them reach their potential instead of needlessly getting into bitter percentage wars and medals.
I argue and debate instead of scolding and lecturing on their behavior, most of the times. If I expect something, it is laid out. If not agreeable, it is negotiated. If I am angry, I roar. If I am in error, I apologize. I put forth my opinions and let them put their side even if their different then mine. I am authentic at any given time. A transparent parent who tells it like it is. Child rearing has then excitement for me at what will unfold and not fear at 'What will others say!'
The outcomes are celebrated as children are appreciated. Elder ones blogs and v-logs are published already by popular online portals. He takes up tenth exam and scores 93.6%. His films win at film festivals. He takes online courses on net from reputed institutes. He still insists on learning to roll chapattis at home as his cooking arsenal needs to be complete. He discusses with Dad how to invest his money earned through various activities and declares 'I leave formal education next year!'
The younger one is hooked to video games and watching serials from yonder times. Be it Khichdi, Ye Jo Hai Zindagi or Nukkad, he walks my childhood lanes and exclaims with awe at the simple wisdom he sees. He takes me on a trip to his childhood with Up, Inside Out, Toy Story, Barnyard, Kungfu Panda, applies the wisdom learned in real life with giggles. He excels in Playback Theatre at the age of 11 and declares yet ‘I want to learn Playback Theatre at the higher level... Or become a Cricketer...’
The key as a happy mom is to stay in acceptance of the children as they unfold instead of burdening myself with the job of pushing them in set ways. I feel one day they will grow up and fly away, why not enjoy each phase as it goes? As toddlers, instead of searching the right things to do we clued in to what they liked and did them.
As middle ages, we hugged their insecurities away and filled their existence with books, movies, stories, picnics to nature spots. The Balance of technology and love for plants has been immensely gratifying. Yes, as efficient they are with Gadgets, so sensitive they are with growing and caring for plants in our Garden.
There are certain non-negotiables too. That extends to not joking on husband-wife or gender-related stuff. No passing judgments on self or others body image. No wasting time on things that don’t bring value to life. No work at home is gender related. Keep learning new things. No one is allowed to stay static for long.
Motherhood, people say is a tall order and there seems to be dissatisfaction associated with the role as an ungrateful designation by many.
For me it has been an excitement and wonder-filled journey where discipline was inculcated as a natural part of observing us leading a different life.
At each juncture, kids saw us working diligently at domestic projects, following work ethics even when no one is watching, choosing differently to give away stress and bring in a free existence, trusting kids to follow their own paths and not dictating our authority as final.
Today, I am a Happy Mom of children who know to smile at life’s twists and turns and also wipe my tears when they roll down. They tickle a funny bone and give reassurance if they perceive an anxious heart. They are faithful friends and noble foes who put up a good fight with ethics. They learn to lose, with self-introspection rather than blame.
*Saying Yes and No. An important ingredient to being Happy.
A delicate balance is needed to do both. When life hands you situations that are challenging but worth your while, it takes courage to say ‘Yes’ and brace yourself for all that it will bring.
As a teacher, when posed a challenge: can you teach a new board? A new subject? A challenging student?
Yes, absolutely. The reward was better remuneration, reputation and respect.
Can you teach while nursing a baby? Yes I can. How?? We will see. We did successfully.
The ability to say ‘No’, too requires equal feisty courage. There are days I don’t want to cook. I say No rather than stew in resentment. We can find options once I am transparent without being apologetic. I am tired, I am bored, I don’t wish to go somewhere I say so. Allowing to hear no too from my sons and husband. It is difficult but I am learning. I am learning to say No to a good many things that limit me...
Inner wear that may be fancy but brings rashes. No, thank you.
Cosmetics that chap my skin. No, thank you.
Generous offers that compromise my time and schedule. No, thank you.
Accepting work that lowers my own value, less monetary benefit than I expect. No, thank you.
Free service. No, thank you.
Unsolicited moral piece of advice. No, thank you.
Diets and body change methods. No, thank you.
A workshop which will help me delve deeper into myself. Yes, very much.
Love myself and family deeply. Yes, very much.
A new skill-set that empowers me. Yes, very much.
Sleep when body asks for it! Yes, very much.
Spend on things I love. Yes, very much.
A kiss from my husband. Yes, very much.
Looking at new ways to do things. Yes, very much.
Saying Yes and No has brought crucial states of elevation and Freedom. Every woman ought to have it written down in her personal zone.
Each moment, I am in a learning mode. If something I need to learn in order to effect a change, I will learn, has been my mantra. I was born with semi-vision. Using other senses I prevailed. I read books and now technology allows me to read as close as I need to. So, it is a boon. To let a limitation become a block, never serves anybody. Financial bankruptcy may break you or bring you in a challenging zone of surmounting and conquering new lands.
I believe in being a Conqueror. A marital crossroad may become an opportunity for renewal of bonds. You will live to recount a story of hope and romance. Depression may land you in stagnancy or bring new lease of fresh skills to add. If you do, you change your life’s narrative to optimism and buoyancy.
To hold onto adamant beliefs will keep you static, allowing flexibility to rule the relationship and situation will bring new patterns that will elevate. I believe if a change has to be effected, an action is needed from me. In order to thrive, we need to keep adding to our skill-sets.
As a teacher, I can learn to blame the inefficient outdated system, label kids or choose to find ways to elevate my students’ confidence and find their Breakthrough. I celebrate every kid that walks into my Domain. I work on them as a sculptor would on clay at hand. As a healer, I infuse a Faith that can create miracles. As a blogger I am ruthlessly honest with my opinions.
Psychologists say each new thing you learn, you create neural pathways in your brain. So I learn. Deliberately, I put myself in non-comfort zones, learn new stuff and inspire my spouse and children to do the same. Sermons do not appeal; rather, when an involved human is at work, it pushes automatically a ripple effect for all observing to emulate the same.
As an individual, as a wife, as a mom, as a teacher, as a healer, as a coach, Happy Starts with Me for there is no one except me given to me for developing.
 |
| #HappyStartsWithMe |
Be your own best development project. Start your own happiness journey which must keep evolving but never designated to end...
#HappyStartsWithMe
SONNAL PARDIWALA
