Parental Acceptance

'My parents don't get me ever'

'Nothing I do is ever liked by my parents'

'I can never talk to my parents, without arguing' 

What goes wrong in a parent child relationship? 

Why is it that the most intimate relationship goes so sour that often in adult hood many prefer to go 'no contact' with parents or interact in a very limited way with their parents? 

Parents world wide end up using language of non acceptance. They have been brought up to believe that it is their imperative duty to keep 'correcting the child' or the child will not grow up to be what they want him or her to be. They feel if they accept the child, he/she will not be better and remain as he or she is. According to them the best way 'to improve' the child, for the future, is to tell him/her what is not good about them 'in the now. Most parents offer language of non acceptance laced with 

• Evaluation-' Look at all the cousins, they are more polite /achieving than you'

• Criticism- Your smile is so wide 

• Judgement - Your friends do nothing all day. 

• Moralising- Good people don't argue with elders

• Preaching - We in our age had it so hard. You should be grateful 

• Commanding- Just do your work as I instructed. 

• Demanding - I want you to take that course 

• Scolding - Why was this not done sooner? 

• Admonishing- You just don't want to do any hard work 

• Penalising - This month no pocket money. That will teach you to argue less! 

No wonder the language of non acceptance turns children off. They stop talking to parents. Children find talking to parent unsafe, unhelpful and often hurtful.

A bond that could have been for a lifetime gets severed and withers away! 

How can we influence this?

We can learn and train to use the powerful language of acceptance.

Acceptance of the child as he or she is. Looking at the child in all his/her glory. Opening up your eyes to see how they truly are and not what version of you they should be! An embracing of the personality of the child as is instead of what 'others' in your environment define or arbitrarily describe the child should be. 

There can be no idealised version that a child can fit perfectly. 

A child cannot adhere to a perfect script and come up with behaviours that will satisfy every adult around them. 

To expect that is putting the child in an impossible situation. 

For the ability to anticipate what is in other person's mind is a super power, no one is born with. 

Instilling in the child that kind of hyper vigilance is actually setting him or her up with Inadequacy and a feeling of being constantly hyper aware to not displease another. 

What a huge tedious responsibility! 

How is Acceptance helpful and effective?

When a person uses acceptance, it gives the other a chance to feel safe. The body language softens and allows room for other person to be there too. A person feels free to be himself /herself. In that mode of being safe, a person can learn to look at all aspects of the situation, do effective problem solving, make effective decisions, be more productive, want to do well, experience well being!

Acceptance is the fertile soil that allows the seed/children to sprout, grow, nurture and blossom to its full capacity.

Likewise parental acceptance is that soil that makes room for the innate capacity to grow. Instead when acceptance is not present, the resources of the child are used to simply repair the critical attacks, the non acceptance of the parent brings. All their problem solving is invested in getting their parents to like them in some form.

Instead of thinking in terms of 'How do I grow as a human being?' , they are constantly coming up with ways to avoid being disliked.

Children hate to be denied, restricted, prohibited no matter how 'cleverly' parents think they do it. Children see through it. 'Setting limits' has been known to backfire by means of lying, cheating, rebelling, resentment!

Children see it as being intruded upon.

These scenarios then aren't conducive to positive outcomes of growth or unfolding a potential.

If only parents learned to discern the value of transmitting the language of Acceptance!

Understand the disastrous effect of non acceptance. They produce the very effect that the parent wishes to avoid. The non acceptance creates hostility and a vicious circle of attacks and counter attacks lowering esteem and love on both ends!

By Sonnal Pardiwala 

Parenting - A human journey!

Nowadays there is information overload on how to be anything!
You name it, internet has it!
Articles, posts, videos, portals on virtually every aspect of human life!
Parenting guidance can't be far behind. One whack, one yell, one bad episode has the mother or father scared that they are doomed. They feel child will be traumatised and sit in some therapy couch healing from wounds sustained from them.

Childhood experienced neglect and its adverse effects has been making rounds, a lot lately. While it is a real phenomenon, every parent need not find themselves guilty of neglect every corner of Parenting.
Good enough parenting.
Let me introduce a concept we aren't talking about much. If looked in properly we all may well fall in this range. None of us are perfect. None of us will stand up to check mark every item on the good parenting checklist. We will fall short somewhere along the line.
However if our child rearing practices follow the 5:1 ratio of pleasant :unpleasant, we all can attain 'Good enough parenting' goal. For one yell, if our record book has five hugs, for one argument, if our record book has quick 'making up', we can safely state we have done good enough parenting.
Most of the parents are unprepared for a child but once in, they want to do the right thing. That intent is a foundation of good enough parenting.
Along with mistakes, if there is atonement, it offers the child what he/she needs! 

A reassurance of being loved, their best in the hearts of parents! If the child is respected, their choices valued and considered there is good enough parenting.
I speak to the young parent today who tremble at the first cry of kid with 'Did we do something wrong?'
Young parents are inundated with information on how to do it right. These often impact them to micro scrutinise each action and reaction of the child.
I ask each parent, young or old to ease out.
Relax and aim for Good enough parenting instead of a perfection goal of raising a kid who says, does and is demonstrable as ideal child. 
Change the goals to raise a child that feels loved, valued, cared for and who loves to do the same for you.
Watch out for these myths and each time it makes its dramatic appearance, bust it in your awareness.

Parents are persons too
The moment parents hold a child a different sense of responsibility is felt in the gut and heart. You want to do your best. We want to sacrifice our needs to meet theirs. Our films, our books, our regional stories have accounts of parents setting their selves aside to meet the needs of the children. Noble indeed in noble circumstances.
Now look at yourself! Are you in those noble, tough and dramatic circumstance. A typical couple today is not. Both have jobs, both have expenses sure. Both have cultural, familial upbringing, both are individuals! There is space to meet needs of all involved. Yet this misplaced notion of only one person becoming the caregiver and being fully available causes resentment. If each accepts that each can take turns at care giving and together too. All and everyone's needs can be met.
Are we willing to make that effort to accept our humanity, our humane needs and make room for it to navigate together?

Parents can have mood swings!
If we accept our humanity this one will be easy.
We feel guilty when we are sad, mad or occupied. We feel we are burdening the child if we express our emotions that are heavy in front of them.
My question
Our homes are tiny. 

How would you hide what is felt?

 Where would you go in the tiny house?
Next option, you pretend to be joyous.
Can you truly keep that up, given the human natures?
In both instances, you run the risk of transmitting lack of authenticity to the children. You teach them that emotions should be hidden. You also ask them to stick to a false sense of always being joyous. Both are bases to emotional issues and entanglement.
However if you were to demonstrate that you are subject to 'ups' and 'downs' of emotion and you bounce back to a baseline of calm and peace, you can role model the same.
Accept your mood swings, communicate it is not the children but your personal stuff and demonstrate the bounce back.

Parents can't  put up a joint front all the time.
Parenting experts always tell you to be a team. Yes you are. However we each are differently bred. We have different opinions. Now when something happens around the child, one parent asks the other to enrol in their agenda to show a joint front. There are few drawbacks here
*Child will feel ganged up on. Two parents against her or him. A feeling of being cornered is simply not a conducive atmosphere to change, bonding or team spirit

*When we are not in agreement, our non verbal communication spills through. Our tonality, the body language will give it away. The child will know which parent holds the agenda and who is not having enough power here. This creates an unhealthy control dynamic and resentment brews

*The child is in a bind of trust. As he/she senses the weak stance of one parent and strong stance of another, the child doesn't know who to trust. Child may learn to play one against the another
An honest way would be an expression of personal opinion on a certain subject by both. Consequences laid down and allow a choice. It can go in any direction. At a time child faces unpleasant consequences, be there to support.

Parents may not know what to do
The moment you accept the position of a parent, you feel saddled with a great responsibility of responding appropriately. Truth is, in many instances, since it is a first time, we simply may not know what to do. If we live under false code of being a know all, we will err hugely.
If we accept we don't know and it is ok, we look for support from a source who might guide. That can involve therapy, learning communication skills or anything that empowers the parenting dynamic.

Every parent needs to understand that world is changing and the child is different at each dynamic development stage. Each has a unique matrix of challenges. As individuals we hold myths. Bust them please
We may not know few things
We can learn though.
We are evolving and we can have a wonderful experience, parenting our children and sending out into the world, an authentic individual!

By Sonnal Pardiwala.