Tuesday, May 3, 2022

Parental Acceptance

'My parents don't get me ever'
'Nothing I do is ever liked by my parents'
'I can never talk to my parents, without arguing' 

What goes wrong in a parent child relationship? 
Why is it that the most intimate relationship goes so sour that often in adult hood many prefer to go 'no contact' with parents or interact in a very limited way with their parents? 

Parents world wide end up using language of non acceptance. They have been brought up to believe that it is their imperative duty to keep 'correcting the child' or the child will not grow up to be what they want him or her to be. They feel if they accept the child, he/she will not be better and remain as he or she is. According to them the best way 'to improve' the child, for the future, is to tell him/her what is not good about them 'in the now. Most parents offer language of non acceptance laced with 
Evaluation-' Look at all the cousins, they are more polite /achieving than you'
Criticism- Your smile is so wide 
• Judgement - Your friends do nothing all day. 
Moralising- Good people don't argue with elders
Preaching - We in our age had it so hard. You should be grateful 
Commanding- Just do your work as I instructed. 
Demanding - I want you to take that course 
• Scolding - Why was this not done sooner? 
Admonishing- You just don't want to do any hard work 
Penalising - This month no pocket money. That will teach you to argue less! 
No wonder the language of non acceptance turns children off. They stop talking to parents. Children find talking to parent unsafe, unhelpful and often hurtful.
A bond that could have been for a lifetime gets severed and withers away! 

How can we influence this?
We can learn and train to use the powerful language of acceptance.
Acceptance of the child as he or she is. Looking at the child in all his/her glory. Opening up your eyes to see how they truly are and not what version of you they should be! An embracing of the personality of the child as is instead of what 'others' in your environment define or arbitrarily describe the child should be. 
There can be no idealised version that a child can fit perfectly. 
A child cannot adhere to a perfect script and come up with behaviours that will satisfy every adult around them. 
To expect that is putting the child in an impossible situation. 
For the ability to anticipate what is in other person's mind is a super power, no one is born with. 
Instilling in the child that kind of hyper vigilance is actually setting him or her up with Inadequacy and a feeling of being constantly hyper aware to not displease another. 
What a huge tedious responsibility! 

How is Acceptance helpful and effective?
When a person uses acceptance, it gives the other a chance to feel safe. The body language softens and allows room for other person to be there too. A person feels free to be himself /herself. In that mode of being safe, a person can learn to look at all aspects of the situation, do effective problem solving, make effective decisions, be more productive, want to do well, experience well being!
Acceptance is the fertile soil that allows the seed/children to sprout, grow, nurture and blossom to its full capacity.
Likewise parental acceptance is that soil that makes room for the innate capacity to grow. Instead when acceptance is not present, the resources of the child are used to simply repair the critical attacks, the non acceptance of the parent brings. All their problem solving is invested in getting their parents to like them in some form.
Instead of thinking in terms of 'How do I grow as a human being?' , they are constantly coming up with ways to avoid being disliked.
Children hate to be denied, restricted, prohibited no matter how 'cleverly' parents think they do it. Children see through it. 'Setting limits' has been known to backfire by means of lying, cheating, rebelling, resentment!
Children see it as being intruded upon.
These scenarios then aren't conducive to positive outcomes of growth or unfolding a potential.
If only parents learned to discern the value of transmitting the language of Acceptance!
Understand the disastrous effect of non acceptance. They produce the very effect that the parent wishes to avoid. The non acceptance creates hostility and a vicious circle of attacks and counter attacks lowering esteem and love on both ends!
By Sonnal Pardiwala