Inner Work: What Is It?
What I undergo as the day unfolds is what I share.
A Day Spent In Awareness
As I open my eyes to the day, I become aware of all that I feel. Of yesterday, of here and now and the moments to unfold. Each moment carries a potential to carve a beautiful moment of Growth or a vehement reaction based on habit or hurry. In that moment, how I collect and reflect and bring the best outcome is my test of awareness.
I woke up to a shrill alarm that my elder had kept; it kept ringing. My sleep got disturbed crazily. My semi-vision prevents me to search the cell phone yelling. Elder one: deeply slumbering away. Husband had to get up and put off the cacophonous thingy. Sighs and sleeps. Again, it shrills.
Anger, and awareness of anger, both kick in. I breathe deep and sternly command to the criminal fellow to get up and do the needful. He does. Turns out, dude wanted to go cycling (An activity he loves and craves). Cheerfully kisses me and Dad before leaving. He knows I am fuming and big time. He goes out impishly grinning at a confessed crime, a slight regret but 'Who cares?' of the youth!
I am alone in my rage. Husband too knows how annoyed this makes me. Anyone who knows me knows my love for sleeping and preference to waking up gently and being woken up gently.
Choicest of thoughts emanated, boiling hot vapours of vexation.
In that moment though, comes in the awareness of being angry.
This time I don't deny. I regard it with detachment and accept the insidiously spreading hot lava. Then I gently ask myself 'What am I angry about? Does my child do it on purpose? Is he not entitled to make his plans? Am I scared that he goes alone? Do you want that he too lie down when his whole being wishes to enjoy the wind buzzing on his face and the liveliness this exercise brings?
Unravelling it in the silence were marvellous answers.
'The child has every right.'
'I trust him to drive safely.'
'I like he is becoming independent.'
'He should not have to waste his morning being subservient to my needs.'
That settled, I was angry. My body had inadequate sleep,we had watched a late night movie!
I may have a headache that would have to be tolerated with this week's Saridon dose done with.
I had a whole day of work.
My need versus his.
I looked around. It indeed was a beautiful morning. Our plants lush and inviting. My husband, in a pacifier mode.
What had irritated was the shrill shriek of the Alarm.
I knew what I had to do.
In the meantime, I declared we open the terrace and have our tea...
Little one got up to his usual demands of thousand hugga!
Family hugga.(his lingo for "hug")
I could not spoil it for him by being caustic.
Me and spouse were vexed.
I also knew, dude would circle the building thinking we were asleep.
We informed him, he may come if his rounds are done. Family brings Familiarity too.
When your majesty sauntered in, bit remorseful, fully rejuvenated, my resolve to fling something had dissolved.
I sat him down and let him know, how my body reacts to his alarm. He is welcome to go where he wishes, only be responsible to honour his alarms himself and not wake up the whole neighbourhood.
I got the agreement with a compliment 'You handled this so mature mom, you are growing up.'
I also got a complimentary back massage. Another trick to get my temper down and mellow.
Since we had the morning we went to the favourite plant nursery and came back witha rose, Butterfly Peacup flowers, Cuban oregano, Brahmi, Ashvagandha, Betel leaf!
Rewards of dealing with awareness and communication instead of flinging and catching resentments.
At class, honestly expressing hurt over a student breaking basic safety rules, also presented a challenge. The violations were repetitive and showed disregard for the institute. I allowed the anger to simmer but expressed it nonetheless in as sharp a tone required as deemed satisfactory for me to establish the boundaries, for the student and all involved.
Self Care Of The Body
As we came home, a messy home presented itself. Maid off for a fortnight!
Husband took up cooking so I took up the cleaning, mopping of floors and scrubbing the wash rooms diligently. Whatever is undertaken, gets my complete attention. An hour of squatting, mopping, cleaning, pouring over corners had a happy stream of satisfied sighs and sweet groans, emanating from every nerve, tissue and bone of my body. It called out for care, now that it had served a purpose. Filling the buckets with essential oils, my favourite soap and abundant water. I bathed till I felt complete. The hurry and worry schedule gets me in the washroom only for three minutes. A simple routine to give it moisture and loving care has been introduced lately. A gentle coat of Coconut oil all over. After this, body vibrates to a rhythm of melodious grace. I am thankful more each day as I become aware of this vehicle given to me to navigate this life cycle. I apologise too for abusing it. I gently give back its power, more and more. If I require sleep, I take it. I energise it with Reiki and Crystals and Essential oils. Chakra Cleansing calms it down. Any part of the body aches, I ask it Gently, 'What do you want from me?' 'What is needed?'
Sure enough, a right remedy materialises for me, be it betel leaf for my mouth ulcers or Brahmi to enliven my tea!
As I offer care, I feel connected more to myself. I walk the inner bylanes, checking, assessing each moment what may be corrected or offered.
My clothes are loose fitting and not constricting or restricting me. The need to be a glamorous gal has ceased. Comfort for the body rules the land. I stand in complete gratitude of my body vessel and each day, aim to treat it right. I assure to bring it pleasant tides and deflect unpleasant experiences or at least promise they shall be for a temporary period of time.
Accept What Is
As a human, I encounter a lot of situations which do not turn out as I design them, do not unfold as I wish. I let go of the need to manipulate or control. Neither situations, nor outcomes, nor other humans. I accord them the same right to be as I give myself.
Yet as a dynamic unravels, I feel... Angry, sad, unhappy, delighted, ecstatic, quietly happy, assertive, annoyed, intimidated.
I hold all these emotions now as they are. No denial. No rejection. They have come from within, they come for a reason. As I attend to it, it gives me the core issue. The reason it plummeted me down in an abyss of dismal valley or what gave me the brief glimpse of my rosy paradise.
I offer attention to both now. They are mine. In them, I learn more about myself
The only education I need in this lifetime.
If I am scared, I offer a hug...
If I am angry, a tender silence...
If I am sad, an attentive compassion!
Embrace What Remains
Even though, I have become a loving companion to my self, I still err. Sometimes I fly off the handle with anger. The insecure self persists in its tricks to trigger.
An unchecked tear instead of expressing sadness spurts out volcano.
A distant old age, a dimming vision, a waning profession still reminds lot of work is needed yet. A lot of scope of growth awaits my readiness.
Like an understanding parent I soothe, 'What remains, can be attempted again tomorrow, we will try again...'
With a warm inner working partner, I feel secure, my inner radiance is aglow and will be fueled with love and attention in abundant supply.
-Sonnal Pardiwala
