So Much For #StandByToughMoms

Years back, when I was five or six years, I stole five paise from my mom's drawer. When my mom came to know of it, she thrashed me. With whatever that came in her hands. Broom-stick, roti-pin, her own hands.

"How dare you take money without asking?"

"You dare ever open that drawer again!"

To drive the lesson home, she tied me to my cupboard using my skipping rope. We lived in a chawl back then. No one dared to enter the house and open me up. I, myself, did not dare. Afternoon turned to evening, evening to dinner. I was opened up only when my father came home. Silently, and without any arguments. Disciplining us was clearly my mom's prerogative and no one interfered. It was simply not tolerated. 

This event had a deep impact on me. I learned a few Do's and Don'ts.

Money that is earned by you is yours. If you cry, no one will come and dry your tears. You must do it yourself. You must not allow hunger to surface or plead to anyone. When mother disciplines, no one interferes.

For a long, long time, I dared not disobey my mother. I earned my money at 16. I learned to be self-sufficient. I found kinder ways to discipline when my progeny arrived.

Spanking, confinement, humiliation - are tools that are never used. 

Dialogues and Conversations are my general tools. A stare is what I fix when displeased. Withdrawing food has never been used. Time outs, not my method. 

Whatever has happened, it is resolved before meal times. Inclusion and not exclusion of all four is the rule.

So, when I see this hypocritical, patriarchal endorsement by #AllOut in the name of #StandByToughMoms my blood boils.

Let us take a tour and see what it contains. 

The dinner table is set, all members are sitting around. Two daughters-in-law are serving? (in 2018??? Yes for #Allout we are Sanskari only if served by women). 

The child (two and half foot) pushes the plate. Mother pushes it back wordlessly. He does it again. She picks up the plate and takes it away. Senior Ma in law starts, "Oh what has he done that you are depriving him of food?" ( To begin with, the child should be asked as to why is he insulting the food? Does it not fall into the 'Sanskari' format, or are boys exempted from that?) "For 10 rupees, you are doing so much!" 

Never mind, our daughter-in-law in question, (2018 version) wordlessly goes around serving food.

Next immediate Ma in law begins, "He had taken it from your purse, not the neighbour's..." What rationalising Sanskari Logic. It would be offensive only if it were taken from a neighbour, then the tune would be "As a mother what have you taught?"

Ah we detoured! Next is the Father himself... 

"He took my money!", “Tere Baap ke ghar se nahi aye the!"

Here I wanted to break my screen, but this money is my own, does not belong to any one's Dad, so on time, I controlled.

What is our #ToughWoman doing still? Demurely serving food, unruffled, unaffected, a paragon of virtue.

Then comes in"Chotte Gharki he... Tere maa baap ne kya kuch nahi seekhaya tujhe?"

My blood boiled and spilled out, but not this 2018 mom's with a cute little punk eyeing his elders. Everybody is in mute mode. Food she cooked must be delicious.

I had a question here. When cuss words are used we beep, because you do not want children to be wrongly influenced. Don't you think, this deserved a beep in the drawing room and advertorial then and there. Do we want our kids to learn "Tere baap ke ghar" sentences?

Oh wait! Now the big moment arrives. Dadaji opines, "He has not taken the money but stolen it, today he has stolen, tomorrow God knows what he will do! Theek kiya bahu tumne!" 

Ah the Validation! It becomes bonafide, only if a male Patriarch benevolently, magnanimously, grandiosly gives his verdict.

I have a question to this Almighty Dadaji. 

Can you say a word to your uncouth, uncourteous, ill-mannered male progeny? Why did you not feel the need to correct him then and there! What is "My money?" Is she supposed to get some money from her father's house to give her son the practice of stealing and allowing it? The Dadaji is so generous with his concern for future generations. I feel some course correction is needed to his present generation and his own attitudes. Why are his daughters-in-law waiting on the table? Are they not equal? Should he not ask his son to apologise?

Is this how #AllOut wishes to depict a Strong Mom. A mom who takes timidly the abuses hurled at her in front of dozen family members. Do tough action look like this? In her entire body there was resignation, yes! Firmness, I missed it. If you see it, do point it out to me.

I call out the #AllOut folks and tell them we do not need #StandByToughMom we need #StandUpToughWomen.

If I would be there, first thing, I would be sharing the dining space eating and discussing the crisis that transpired. For child stealing money for whatever reason is one. 

Next,  if abuses were hurled at my "Background or father... (I still cannot get over- Tere baap ke... Beep please!) I would fix the rationalising and interfering one with the coldest stare, pick up my punk and walk away to my room, corner, whatever is available in that joint family space. Alternatively, I would ask my husband to apologise right there, or the Dal, Sabji whatever, would be on his head, instead of the plate. By Jove, I would most definitely not serve food to such an ill-mannered product of patriarchy.

Validation I need of no one, not even Dadaji. If I feel my kid has transgressed, it would be a private business of the father and mother alone. 

I felt, my mom had more courage 35 or 37 years ago, to discipline me in whatever way it deemed fit. She did not need a Dadaji to give a "Theek kiya bahu" certificate, to smile. As if Dadaji spoke on her behalf so it was alright to put aside the berating of her background. Will the child then learn to respect her or her Nanaji for that matter? Is this a girl of 2018? Surely she would and should have a little more charisma... She looked more sleepy to me than tough! 

All good, till next time you hurl expletives at the demure daughter-in-law for another tough stand. 

All I want to tell #AllOut is "Theek nahi kiya..."

Maybe next time you want to depict toughness and concern for support, try showing a woman who stands for herself for she knows what matters to her and what matters for her children. She definitely would not allow a "Tere baap ke..."

The Dal and Sabji would have a better target. Better a child remember a thunderous woman than a wispy, dripped in frozen water, unable to speak for herself woman!

#StandUpWomen #OurChildrenNeedOurAttitudes!

-Sonnal Pardiwala

Image used in the above article is only for representational purpose and the author does not claim any rights over the image. 

Build Trust not Walls!

Exams are around the corner. Especially, the board exams of grade Ten and Twelve. The word "Boards" is enough to conjure images of tensed children, anxious parents, frowning teachers and expectant everyone.

So much rides on the exam results. Not only the future careers, but also the reputation of the family are at stake. The child, of course, must get a percentage, that makes the parent proud. It also must exceed the cousin or neighbour who got a certain 90%+. If the child is not academically inclined, then at least, a "First Class".  There is always a comparison, no matter how much a parent denies it. There always is. Unspoken, un-worded but enforced and engraved in many actions of the parent.

The only person who is happy is the one scoring 100%. Rest all mourn the fact "Ohhh, just one more mark, one less mistake and we could be there!"

If the above scenario sounds extreme, it still exists in many a house hold. As a teacher, as a parent, what observation I wish to bring here is not about board exams but life relationships that are affected during these times. 

I feel these are times when parents and children can bond together for life. They can become friends for life or fall apart. It is a valuable time to demonstrate to your growing kids that you care. You truly do.

"We have given everything to them. Notes, best coaching institution, best coaches, reference material, best everything. And yet..."

So much for love. When this premise is laid out, you are laying down a foundation of "Conditional Love". We do things for you, now you deliver. This attitude will set the ball rolling for counting "What one does or did and what is or was invested!". It may continue for a lifetime and mar relationships as your "dependent" teenager moves into adulthood.

Here are few possible attitudes you may adopt not only for a smooth gallop of the exams but also future relationships. 

Radiate Trust and Accept.

Every action and word you speak in presence of your children, steep in deep trust. Send out vibes that tell your child you trust him/her fully. You trust their capacities and strategies to do their best. "Their Best" is important to understand here. What you think and what is may be poles apart. You may be extremely fond of a certain subject, but that subject may not necessarily resonate with your child. He or she may not like it, or he or she may just not be able to crack that subject. Parents often go berserk over a subject like Math or Languages or Science. Often they bring in more than two teachers to learn the same subject. The understanding goes, more the teachers, better the child's cognition of the subject. A little investigation may help matters. Do find out if the child likes a certain subject to begin with. I have heard sentences like "You have to like Math!"

Really? Can we be gracious enough to accept that the child may not?

It behooves then to inquire within us "Should we be sending our kids to war for battles we left midway? Whose territory is it anyways?"

Difficult questions, but important. If a parent is spiralling down with anxiety, it is very important to create a distance and cultivate little trust. Trust that it is the child's life, her interests, her territory. Can we relinquish our hold and trust that they will come through? Their future frame of self-confidence depends on how much we let them cope with a situation that requires them to plan and think suitably to get a positive, effective resolution. Here it is marks, targeted and aimed for!

It is their first foray into adult life of planning, designing, deciding, coping, achieving. Whatever they get, it is theirs. Theirs to reflect on, theirs to wear on their experience chart as they look back. 

Can we trust them with their arena of Trial and Error? Is it too much to give up control because if we do... 

"Gossip no more and shame never..." 

One drastic way, parents feel will bring a change in their children, is bringing in an opinion of other people. During guest visits, parents make it a point to sigh and declare "God knows if he will score even 80!"

"I will be happy if she gets passing marks..." 

"So much time she wastes!" 

"His friends distract him and he keeps going after them..." 

When uttered in presence of others, it brings the shame factor to the fore. The child in question feels like being brought in a "witness box" awaiting different verdicts. 

Often they hang their heads in despair and hear it out, feeling miserable. Alternatively, they may avoid guests in many ways like walking away from the room, putting on ear phones, surfing on the cell phone. It is a clear sign that your teenager does not wish to connect. 

An important question to ask oneself is "Do we not trust our own resources to connect and effect changes in the child?" 

"Is it truly necessary to bring in other forces to put the child in line?"

But most importantly, 

" Is it working?" 

Gossiping with relatives, neighbours and even teachers reflects that you find your child and yourself inadequate. Pushing blame to fix an issue and absolving yourself, is what is happening. 

Instead of looking at the child's interests and distractions (we all have them, yes we do) in a mature way, we decide he or she must not do a certain thing and everything will be alright! 

Stop watching TV!  

 Take away the mobile! 

 No more friends! 

Try thinking a little differently. The child has six hours of school, few more hours of tuition, different teachers, different homework. All expect the child to magically complete it within a time frame or a remark pops in the form of a text message "Homework not done."

Again, the spiral of arguments and counter-arguments start. Instead, observe the child's fatigue level, inability to cope, inability to grasp certain concepts, plain exhaustion. Try giving it a space in your conversations. Add to it, there is pressure of completion of books, journals, assignments, a certain percentage. It hardly features in our talks with the child. 

Get out of the way to nourish and educate in the popular way. 

The tussle in many households is, 

"You must eat Healthy food! All you do is stuff yourself with sandwiches and chips!" 

In this internet wave and workshops and classes, fads are frequent. 

I hear some tutors and classes have menus suggested for the children. Some stuff them with almonds for memory! 

The fact is your children are intuitive in what their body wants and time permits. You may swear by the "Almond Theory" and have links full of articles supporting it. Your child may detest it. Accept it. 

Each child has a natural rhythm. Sometimes in the erratic routines and mind processes, their delicate appetites swing. To force a certain food, no matter how healthy, is at once detrimental to health; also imposing a sense of control. The nervousness may further complicate the appetites. They do go through "What if I forget? What if I don't know?" Catastrophe! 

Add to it, your insistence on "You must eat like this!" strips the child of basic control over his or her own body. 

Again being observant helps. If you tune into your child and together create satisfying menus, it will bring about peace for sure. Meal times if begin to represent silent battle zones, your anxious teenager will withdraw into a moody one. 

You are creating a disdain for mealtimes by creating unpleasant memories which will stay longer, maybe forever! 

Let them eat at their pace, skip a meal if they feel. Keep healthy alternatives (mutually decided) ready. For once your warrior has completed a set task, he or she will knock the kitchen door. 

The idea is "Peaceful zones bring pleasant resolutions!" 

Another familiar fray is "I have brought so many papers to solve, all are lying just like that!" 

Yes, solving papers helps immensely. It gives the child a fair idea of timings, neatness, areas where more refining is needed. For sure! A pertinent question to ask before getting into this zone. 

Schools do take"Mock Exams". Tuition classes do so too. Have they not made them solve enough? If not, it is time to meet and question them! 

Another important query would be"You have brought the papers but who will check them for feedback? If you do not have someone checking it, what is the use?"

How will the child determine what happened? Without supervision, there is a tendency to turn pages and look for the concept! How then, would one know the true assessment? Are you not inculcating in the child a subtle form of subterfuge? Would it be effective in the long run? 

So why add to the guilt of the child and unpleasant conversations by doing something which is unproductive? By constantly complaining, are you effecting a change? If not, then aren't you not training your child to think of you as a "nagging parent". Does it bode well for a long term parent child relationship? 

By all means, if you wish they practise more, arrange with tutors a systematic, non-stressful schedule. Get at the supervision level to get desired results of "getting papers solved and getting progress and feedback." This will inculcate an organised approach in the child's mind to tackle an issue. He / she will give you silent adulation and respect. Emulate you in the future. We all want effective adults don't we? 

Walk with them Literally and Figuratively

Most of the time, the home environment during boards spells of tension and anxiety. Unspoken silent battle of wills, half-eaten plates, tears and sleepless nights. 

Cultivate a habit of walking with your children as often as your schedule allows and listen. 

Listening involves giving no advice or solutions. Simply ask, "How are you doing?" and let whatever come up without interruptions. Initially, it will be awkward but a world resides in your growing teenager!

He/she has fears, anxieties and funny anecdotes to share, if only you would listen without your own interpretation. Just listen if the child comes up with "I feel so irritated with..." simply add "You find this irksome somehow..." instead of "You should not feel irritated..."

It closes the conversation as we launch a "Should not and Should campaign!" In the feeling zone all feelings are accepted, all behaviours are not.

I may feel like slapping someone. That is my annoyance at the feeling level. It can exist. 

Me actually slapping, is behaviour which is not acceptable, as it hurts and humiliates. 

So when a tired teenager is allowed a space to express the fatigue, annoyance, helplessness, he or she will relax. Trusting you will be frequent in the future. They know, someone will listen. Someone cares. That someone being their Mom and Dad adds to their sense of well-being.

Let us give our children the feeling that we are with them every step of the way. To encourage when needed, to lift up when there are faults abound, to cheer the victories, to hug the worries away. 

Our thoughtfulness stems in ruffling their hair and beaming trust to the growing one that things will be managed. If not, I'm still here. We will try again a different way!

Sometimes we need to learn to get out of the way, so your kid can make a way for self. A way he or she can proudly take you for a walk, showing you all he or she created. 

Build that trust in this vulnerable phase not a wall which becomes impenetrable for both of you to reach out later in life. 

Life has more exams to offer, more trails to blaze. Teach the child the skills to conquer instead of creating distances at the first shout of the whistle.

"You cannot control another person's life even if it came from you..."

-Sonnal Pardiwala