Parenting - A human journey!

Nowadays there is information overload on how to be anything!
You name it, internet has it!
Articles, posts, videos, portals on virtually every aspect of human life!
Parenting guidance can't be far behind. One whack, one yell, one bad episode has the mother or father scared that they are doomed. They feel child will be traumatised and sit in some therapy couch healing from wounds sustained from them.

Childhood experienced neglect and its adverse effects has been making rounds, a lot lately. While it is a real phenomenon, every parent need not find themselves guilty of neglect every corner of Parenting.
Good enough parenting.
Let me introduce a concept we aren't talking about much. If looked in properly we all may well fall in this range. None of us are perfect. None of us will stand up to check mark every item on the good parenting checklist. We will fall short somewhere along the line.
However if our child rearing practices follow the 5:1 ratio of pleasant :unpleasant, we all can attain 'Good enough parenting' goal. For one yell, if our record book has five hugs, for one argument, if our record book has quick 'making up', we can safely state we have done good enough parenting.
Most of the parents are unprepared for a child but once in, they want to do the right thing. That intent is a foundation of good enough parenting.
Along with mistakes, if there is atonement, it offers the child what he/she needs! 

A reassurance of being loved, their best in the hearts of parents! If the child is respected, their choices valued and considered there is good enough parenting.
I speak to the young parent today who tremble at the first cry of kid with 'Did we do something wrong?'
Young parents are inundated with information on how to do it right. These often impact them to micro scrutinise each action and reaction of the child.
I ask each parent, young or old to ease out.
Relax and aim for Good enough parenting instead of a perfection goal of raising a kid who says, does and is demonstrable as ideal child. 
Change the goals to raise a child that feels loved, valued, cared for and who loves to do the same for you.
Watch out for these myths and each time it makes its dramatic appearance, bust it in your awareness.

Parents are persons too
The moment parents hold a child a different sense of responsibility is felt in the gut and heart. You want to do your best. We want to sacrifice our needs to meet theirs. Our films, our books, our regional stories have accounts of parents setting their selves aside to meet the needs of the children. Noble indeed in noble circumstances.
Now look at yourself! Are you in those noble, tough and dramatic circumstance. A typical couple today is not. Both have jobs, both have expenses sure. Both have cultural, familial upbringing, both are individuals! There is space to meet needs of all involved. Yet this misplaced notion of only one person becoming the caregiver and being fully available causes resentment. If each accepts that each can take turns at care giving and together too. All and everyone's needs can be met.
Are we willing to make that effort to accept our humanity, our humane needs and make room for it to navigate together?

Parents can have mood swings!
If we accept our humanity this one will be easy.
We feel guilty when we are sad, mad or occupied. We feel we are burdening the child if we express our emotions that are heavy in front of them.
My question
Our homes are tiny. 

How would you hide what is felt?

 Where would you go in the tiny house?
Next option, you pretend to be joyous.
Can you truly keep that up, given the human natures?
In both instances, you run the risk of transmitting lack of authenticity to the children. You teach them that emotions should be hidden. You also ask them to stick to a false sense of always being joyous. Both are bases to emotional issues and entanglement.
However if you were to demonstrate that you are subject to 'ups' and 'downs' of emotion and you bounce back to a baseline of calm and peace, you can role model the same.
Accept your mood swings, communicate it is not the children but your personal stuff and demonstrate the bounce back.

Parents can't  put up a joint front all the time.
Parenting experts always tell you to be a team. Yes you are. However we each are differently bred. We have different opinions. Now when something happens around the child, one parent asks the other to enrol in their agenda to show a joint front. There are few drawbacks here
*Child will feel ganged up on. Two parents against her or him. A feeling of being cornered is simply not a conducive atmosphere to change, bonding or team spirit

*When we are not in agreement, our non verbal communication spills through. Our tonality, the body language will give it away. The child will know which parent holds the agenda and who is not having enough power here. This creates an unhealthy control dynamic and resentment brews

*The child is in a bind of trust. As he/she senses the weak stance of one parent and strong stance of another, the child doesn't know who to trust. Child may learn to play one against the another
An honest way would be an expression of personal opinion on a certain subject by both. Consequences laid down and allow a choice. It can go in any direction. At a time child faces unpleasant consequences, be there to support.

Parents may not know what to do
The moment you accept the position of a parent, you feel saddled with a great responsibility of responding appropriately. Truth is, in many instances, since it is a first time, we simply may not know what to do. If we live under false code of being a know all, we will err hugely.
If we accept we don't know and it is ok, we look for support from a source who might guide. That can involve therapy, learning communication skills or anything that empowers the parenting dynamic.

Every parent needs to understand that world is changing and the child is different at each dynamic development stage. Each has a unique matrix of challenges. As individuals we hold myths. Bust them please
We may not know few things
We can learn though.
We are evolving and we can have a wonderful experience, parenting our children and sending out into the world, an authentic individual!

By Sonnal Pardiwala. 

Dangal - Refreshing And Exhilarating!

Profound wisdom emanates from simpler moments of life, when one halts for a moment and changes perspective. So says a 14-year old bride to the disgruntled daughters of Mahavir Singh Phogat. "Your father at least takes an interest in you. He accepts your existence and is striving to give your life a shape worthy enough of dignity."

That is enough to awaken in the daughters a renewed zeal to give in to the drill and agonizingly disciplined regime their father has set for them. 

Indian Cinema needed this 'Dangal' for so many reasons!
We will digress for a while but well, I am inundated with so many...So many thoughts that each reason can make a blog post.

The Indian male protagonist is so self-centred to date that very rarely we see him, allowing himself to look anything less than perfect. He always wants to be in command and if possible every frame right till the end. His real age notwithstanding, he is an epitome of eternal youth. He has to romance beauties half his age. He has to win and if he cannot he will use his progeny to break his bones to near death (Apne, remember?)There are long drawn guilt trips for the poor unsuspecting progeny and ultimately a grander end. 

Cut to Dangal. 

We have a National Wrestling Champion, mired in financial difficulties living with a regret filled silence. Regret of not able to continue his wrestling journey and not getting a gold at an international level. His desire, "my son will continue my legacy!", squashed as he had four girls. 

There are no loud complaints and neither ignoring his girls. In fact he says "I love them but they cannot fulfill my wish."  A silent acceptance of fate as he puts away all his medals. Did I forget to tell you, it was, and is Aamir Khan?

Ohhh... Not intentional but just to make that point. He has clean changed the definition of what a mainstream 'hero' is. The silent, pigheaded, doggedly determined father who let criticism simply go unaffected. I had to remind myself, it is Aamir Khan who was Mahavir Singh Phogat! 

Shahrukh Khan and Salman Khan ought to actually take a leaf out of his book and well, just take a cue!

Aamir Khan as Mahavir Singh Phogat is so adorable in this big paunch and haryaanvi dialect. He did not feel the need to add a scene to educate the mass on procreation behind the curtains kinda thing. There is a very simple equation with his wife, Daya Kaur played by Sakshi Tanwar, "I don't understand your decisions but..."  and he requests "Ek saal de de munne..." 

No barbaric abuse or dogged domination. A fair relationship that has accepted a gender given societal roles. 

Wife obeys, husband decides.

Aamir dominates the screen as the father with an ambition... Father with a Vision... Father with an iron hand at discipline... Father who is willing to change perspectives... I too wish to say "Kaash ye mere Pappa hote..." 

Another reason why Indian Cinema needed this Dangal 
It is a Dangal of sorts for perspective of the girl & boy paradigms. What they can or cannot do! What we think 'they can or cannot do'!  Again from deeper disappointment and little moments, a mindset changes in a father who is living in a very orthodox, rural set up. 

A man who goes about declaring "Pehelwaani khoon me hoti hai..." is willing to do a gleeful roundabout on his pehelwaan  girls. 

He is still in his stereotype zone when he hits his nephew for hitting boys when few mangled kids stand in complaint. The glee on his face when he asks his girls, "Kaise maara?" is priceless. That is the moment of a mindset change that creates history. A perspective that begins questioning "A Gold medal can be brought by Girls, too!"  A perspective which erodes each societal norm one by one at the razor of 'what is possible"  "what is achievable"  A perspective that holds out hope to fulfill a long held dream.

 Those moments are now priceless for me. I wish my parents would have had a chat of this nature... When I stood on the threshold of adulthood and fought to continue studies post graduation. I did have my way but not without arguments and heartache. Reason: "A Groom that educated will be scarce." Well... 

This moment when the father decides to enroll his girls in his stricter course in wrestling, they have no clue... But the girl in me so rejoiced at the turnabout of a Dad to prepare his girls for a robust future with full faith that they can. They were his girls. 

'Pehelwaani' unke khoon me se!! Indeed. 

Steadfastly he began dealing with every and any impediment cited by his wife or girls... Even if to sometimes just escape. The perspective shift is so apparent in every scene that shreds misogyny to pieces. Sometimes the reasons made into excuses by the very same girls who would cry foul when growing up and asking for liberation.

"We cannot run in salwaar kameez!" it is not only the rant of those two girls but also so many in the nation. 

He silently asks his nephew's clothes and hands over to his wife to alter them to suit the girls. Wife, though aghast and confused does as bid. 

No prolonged arguments or heavy duty dialogues. 

"Our hair become filthy and we are facing trouble!" So they complain... 

So he decides, "Chop 'em off!" much to the chagrin and embarrassment of the girls who meant it as an excuse.

For the determined and ambition consumed father, it was... 

Whatever comes in the way of them focusing, will be simply terminated!

The very tenets of misogyny questioned in an eloquent way.
Should the raiment or Curls determine someone's worth or do we get overly attached to these external standards and judgments? 

Remove their strict adherence, strip the long held beliefs and ask "How are then girls or boys any different in spirit?" 

I have seen Mary Kom and Saala Khadoos. What left a bitter taste was the rough edge to the coaching highlights.
In pointing out the hard work, there was a tendency to overdo and dramatize to the point of making it sound unrealistic. Then it made one feel, only those who are made of steel or a different material may be capable. Not me or you or my children or yours. 

Indian Cinema needs Dangal to Demonstrate how from scratch, a sportsperson is molded out of sheer diligence and vision.

The girls in question did not even know for what were they being trained! 

Another endearing aspect of this pigheaded dad was his inability to get into long drawn educational or preachy monologues. Simply "This needs to be done!" , "This needs to be done this way..."

This is the obstacle... We'll get rid of it or rise above it.. Making the girls sing "Sehat ke liye Baapu Haanikarak he..." 
The "Paanch baje taiyaar rehna!" coming as a warning knell on the Girls. 

To fight he brings in his nephew in front of his girls...who are hell bent on sabotaging his every efforts. The import of their father's vision plain escapes these simpletons. 

Awareness dawns again in the most misogynistic situation of a child marriage. The very marriage ceremony of their friend they so happily scamper to. Against their father's wishes, they romp and rave oblivious of the hurt, despair & disappointment so vividly written on the bride's face.

 The girls complains finds a counter argument in the bride to be. "I so wish he was my father, he acknowledges your existence atleast, thinks about you. Else for a father a girl is only a burden to be married at the earliest." 

Both the girls find their existential purpose in that vulnerable moment of despair from the girl who knows her identity is off to be vanquished and she will be a machine henceforth to churn out kids and run the household impeccably...No more... 

That is the Dangal adorable quotient of a mindset shift... From one Girl to another Girl. My Destiny could be different if there was a father like yours "Value it!" 

Value they did...Surrendering now to the mold and discipline of their father's regime head on. 

Father too ups the challenge by getting them to compete with males. An unheard of faith. A faith of a Father nevertheless!
He eggs them on to join a tournament where they are underweight... Encourages in every round. No word of criticism ever uttered even if a round is lost. Only wisdom accrued over the years.

"She is overcoming the fear." He empathizes with their woes and enters quietly to soothe their aching muscles. It is the 'Dangal' of 'Guru' who has to push them further and 'Father'  who feels their pain. 

It is his faith and steady encouragement that brought them so far. A lesson his elder one learns the hard way. The later part of the movie sees the 'Dangal' of will, technique and discipline. It also raises question on our Sports Department system which lacks the inimitable will and zeal for the players they train. 

"Get me medals!", who gets it, does not matter? 

You are training 'humans' for God's sake! 

When a player loses a round, instead of boosting up their morale, there is derision and deprecation. 

No wonder India loses out on 'winners' zone! When coaches have no faith, where will the players borrow it from?
That is succinctly displayed in the short zone when the daughter moves to NSA for international training and is introduced to temptations. 

The Growing of hair or using nail paints or eating golgappa hitherto forbidden may bring in a sense of liberation but took away the steely edge from her disposition that was carefully inculcated by a Father who had been through the rigour and knew what it entailed. 

She came in the village with new know-how and dueled with her mentor to defeat him. Maybe it was her rebellious angst all those years...but the younger daughter echoes "He lost out of weakness not technique..."  so began the distance and downfall of Geeta (played by Fatima Sana Shaikh) who lost all international tournaments and Babita (played by Sanya Malhotra) who won her national championship. 

The difference being the rock solid force by her side. He knew their strengths and built on it. The coach focused on Geeta's weaknesses and destroyed her will. Their Father's gift was the fiery steely determination and the steadfast support which the elder Geeta realised as her laissez-faire liberated attitude faced turmoil soon. A debate may arise on liberation and discipline. A Dangal on was the father correct in instilling or imposing his ways on his unsuspecting daughters to meet his ambitious goals. His tender girls sure toughened up and created History for the nation! Does the end justify the means? 

All I would add is when you do not have your own dreams, might as well embrace another one's who directs and channelizes the Persona into someone worthwhile to Reckon with. He did make them a force to look up to! So an angry Geeta leaves her father 's stringent domain to enjoy her liberated one, to learn a valuable lesson. When we chart out on special journeys, the vision of the mentor counts. He had not cut their curls out of some male dominance. It was a well planned construct to keep their obstacles at bay and aid their work out progress. 

Series of defeats and Babita's presence binds the gap and gets the father to again take up six month old coaching of his girl. He finds ways to review her performance and restore her confidence. A confidence echoed by the younger sister "I do not know the girl who lost. I know the girl who fought boys and emerged a winner. She was underweight and yet pounded her opponents!"  In that depressed moment comes the realization of what their father's presence entailed. A confidence ingrained by the father in her Girl, who knows not to accept defeat or defect casually. Defeat needed ruthless review and more practice. Defects and lack to be improvised. 

If they cannot be accepted in the akhaada, he makes one...!
If he cannot get a leave, he leaves his job...! Again deeply entrenched misogyny spelled out loud and clear in the derisive words of the employer "If it was your daughter's wedding I would consider... For Wrestling practice, no way!"  

So progressive our society is! So considerate! Yes read deep sarcasm! 

He needs funds to make a mat for their practice, but is the sports personnel willing to forward the funds? For Girls wrestling??? Are you kidding??? 

Again compelling wisdom comes in casual conversations,when his brother asks "Ye mat ke se?" 
He says "Gadde jese..." 

Brother quips "Gadde te gadde se na bhaisaab!"

Then forms the improvisation of mats on terrace for practice.
Our winners make history despite the drawbacks... Not in spite... 

The final match was a treat. The Dangal between sure confidence of a father and insecurity of the coach was worth pondering over. It brings questions to fore when father indignantly gives it to the coach "You are asking Sehwag to be Dravid..." Instead of her strengths, you are looking elsewhere  His tearful declaration to the panel is "I have dreamed of my daughters getting a Gold for the country." is so heart rending. 

This is Aamir Khan... I do forget to mention him as he was all of that Haryaanvi jat for me for those two odd hours. He was graceful to not be in the climax scene and give it to the young talent to carry it off. The Culmination of his training of all years. 

Neither did Shahrukh Khan in Chak De allow that nor R Madhavan in Saala Khadoos. The Mary Kom angle of the child's surgery was over stretched. 

Nasty coach gets the dad locked who waits helplessly after initial attempts. 

But he is with her in spirit...With his words. Look into the eyes of the opponent...Always look for their weak moments...Rainbow loop... Which she used to combat and win the tournament. 

Here he knows of the victorious moment by the Anthem being played. 

I did not want this movie to end. It had to! IN THAT CASE I will have to see it at least five to six times to 

*Catch the Haryaanvi dialect and interactions of daughter and father.

The younger girls were so so endearing in their bewilderment, in their innocent rebellions! 

*Watch the supporting cousin who begins with false sense of male supremacy but resignedly and good naturedly accepts that 'he is the Good luck'  factor. 

*Catch the super exciting matches of the girls, Geeta and Babita who worked hard to achieve their picture perfect toned bodies to reflect embodiment of athletic refinement. Both the girls have stupendously hijacked the Canvas of Dangal to bring alive a possibility. A role model for this Generation to emulate. One life we have to hone it and honor it. The ends justify the means I guess. 

*See Aamir Khan. Tell myself this transformed man is indeed the Aamir of Andaaz Apna Apna or Hum Hai Raahi Pyaar Ke...

He once sang "Papa kehte the bada naam karega, beta humaara aisa kaam karega."  

He truly has done 'aisa kaam' to  be proud of and he himself portrayed the Papa...Who made it possible to change the lyrics a bit "Beti humaari esa naam karegi."

  

Kudos to a Movie that might go on to become a classic for us like his 'Taare Zameen Par' and '3 Idiots'.

A grounded effort par Excellence...He was not making a Documentary for God's Sake!  (for all those who feel criticizing him is a mandatory need for their evolution) 

INDIAN CINEMA NEEDED DANGAL... for so many reasons and more... We need more of it... 

For Indian movies should move out of thinking only domestic violence and marital abuse and rapes are maladies that women go through! 

Indian movies must stop thinking that a woman is attractive only when she sways her hips in less clothing...

Indian movies must stop thinking that a man has to have six pack abs and is needed always to rescue a woman from dire circumstances in the form of a father or husband. 

Indian movies must stop thinking giving up career for a man is the ultimate sacrifice and aim of a woman. 

Indian movies must believe mature stories can be told of Father's faith... Daughter's striving and bringing home glory.
Indian movies must believe that stereotype does not have to be nurtured but challenged...Gently, silently, effectively and eloquently... Without tons of drama! 

The writer deserves a bow... the Director a Salute!... And Aamir Khan a squealing bear hug! 

Too old to say "Kaash vo mere pappa hote!"  but a cute father he portrayed. For those two hours I lived a different life and shall want to soak in again... Another five times perhaps...

Cast and Crew of 'Dangal' you are permanently etched and inscribed into my psyche! Love and loads and loads of it!

-Sonnal Pardiwala

The Child In Us Never Ceases To Be!

#BigBazaarKidsCarnival 

The most significant possession of a child is, a toy! An insatiable need for toys! The more one has, the more one wants...one more...one more...and ever more! 

Big Bazaar's Kiddie Club has geared up to meet this ever accelerating inner quest of kids for Toys and Activities through its #KidsCarnival2016 starting from 10th December 2016 till 8th January 2016.

Big Bazaar is a trusted flagship hypermarket retail chain from Future Group. It has its presence in over 100 cities. It has a motto of 'Making India Beautiful.' 

With its high quality products made available at affordable prices, it is a dream store to walk into for each member of the family. It is a one-stop shopping paradise for the entire family. And easy on the budget too!

Big Bazaar ensures their customers value added products while always adding a generous sprinkling of discounts and promotional offers. No doubt, a family will turn to the store to find the latest in toys, clothing and entertainment under this ever cordial and benevolent premise. 

The Kiddie Club stems from the idea that kids needed a platform to show case their talent and pursue their hobby through fun activities. Big Bazaar stores offer this carnival as an experience which is filled with creative, innovative games and competitions. 

What is more, the Kiddie Club offers its little members a #KiddieClubCard which allows them to collect points while shopping and indulging in rollicking pursuits of childhood. 

They have zipped up the excitement quotient by roping in the ChotaBheem Competition.

Yes! The little ones stand a chance to feature in a ChotaBheem TVC. All they need to do is send in a fun Selfie taken in the store to @big.bazaar on Twitter/Instagram. Besides, tons of events and action awaits in each store of Big Bazaar for the little ones. 

Dear Mommies and Daddies, 

Christmas is around and how much will Santa Claus do? Lending a helping hand to the old man will bring in smiles and grins for your little ones!

The Polite and Prompt staff shall be at your assistance. While you shop, your kids shall be so engaged in fun filled events, that they will not press you to hurry up your affairs anytime soon. Either they will be busy with My Heroes theme, Jungle Set up, RC Range, My Mind (board games) and  fun-packed activities like mood board, ring toss, hopscotch, feed the joker, angry bird, golf ball throw or clicking photographs at the photo booth. 

You can shop to your heart's content while your energy bundle is channelized constructively. You'll be happy too!

Shopping will be no longer a chore for you or an experience that is tiring for your kids. 

Come, visit Big Bazaar Kids Carnival- this festive month full of gifts and giveaways. Gift your little ones happiness and usher in the New Year with cheerful promises of fulfilling all the dreams your children may ever have!

Our children have only one childhood, embellish it with delight and squeals of joy. Bestow the perfect sigh of contentment onto your kids and also walk away content with super discounts and offer!

- SONNAL PARDIWALA