Decision Validated, yet, the Journey Continues…

The beginning of the year brought us an important piece of information which called for a decision and in a way opened an avenue for home-schoolers. We at our coaching institute often came across school drop-outs after grade nine who were compulsorily expelled from school in order to maintain their Grade Ten 100%  results.

The school only gave them the option to apply for form 17  which meant they still could give their tenth the same year. They would appear as private candidates and aided by the government allotted centre to get through the formalities of giving the board exams (like internal assessment and practicals and receiving a Leaving Certificate. It meant that the child will not be on any Register  of the schools but still can give exams. Now, whoever says our government is not supportive must look at this beautifully carved out system which enables a ninth grader who is a risk for the school can still give his tenth. What a win win!

Using their logic, we checked out if our kid can avail of the same facility and to our pleasant surprise, he could! The choice was this year, or next…??? The Self-starter fella that Shahen(my elder son) is, he was raring to go. He already had solved board papers of English from various boards and knew he could face any exam. So technically when he was chronologically in the ninth grade, he decided…We shall conquer Tenth! One of the benefits of Home-schooling…we could decide when, and if at all we would give any exams!!!

 No school would have even considered letting him have a go at it because he felt confident. We did approach a principal of a reputed school of the SSC board and requested her to take him on board as we were so hopeful he will bring glory to the school and 17 does not enjoy very heavy popularity, but… the Principal so trained in school ways still insisted he go through the ninth and only then she would consider his tenth and since  Form 17..!!! The centre where we had applied was so understanding and accommodating ... we decided to let the school option go…Silly Home-schoolers we are...stickler for working around Norms to suit the Kids’ Sensibility and Potential.
Here is a Technical Lowdown on Appearing as a Private Candidate and its benefits.

* If your child has minimum Fifth Grade certificate Maharashtra State Board has a Facility of applying for the Tenth Grade Exam as a Private Candidate.

*Board has appointed few centres where one can Avail of Form 17, ONCE your ward has completed 14 years of age ( which Shahen had)

* They send your child's Documents to the Vashi Board Centre to Confirm 
*This Local Centre where you applied from is responsible for your child's internal assessment and practical exams.

*They Procure your child's Hall Ticket and do corrections as and how it is required.
* Your child's Mark-sheet has to be collected at the Local Centre and they give you the Leaving Certificate required to get admissions to the college.

*Nowhere in the Mark-sheet is it mentioned that your child is a Private Candidate. The child is as equal to any other child appearing for these exams.

*Do not depend on this centre for coaching of the subjects unless they specifically take the responsibility. Generally your child is not required to attend the Centre regularly and will be summoned as and when required.

Decision made, paper work attended to and then textbooks bought. More or less, Shahen prepared all by himself for memorising answers and stuff. I, as a Mom was called in to help with Marathi Grammar and the French subject and Dad’s help was availed in Algebra and Geometry. Rest all was his domain where we as parents never entered. He was the perfect epitome of “It’s my work and I shall manage it and manage it well but let me do other things as well!”

Home-schoolers use their freedom to pursue Activities that Stretch them and give them immense pleasure. Shahen ventured along with his Dad into creating content for his YouTube Channel bLOGiMLY.

Check out bLOGiMLY here:

bLOGiMLY

 He made Reviews Of Previews of upcoming films which he called ROP. They made a short film “Dabba” which delved into looking at hunger issues at the grass root level instead of sermonizing and preaching…another one that came out recently Khwaab Not Out which was written by him. With his YouTube channel, he has gone on to create a web-series where he even shares his experiences of his studies, how he coped, how he trolled his subjects…in a straight-jacket humored way he pointed flaws of the system and yet how he went on to overcome them, accept them and conquer them with Aplomb. He applied for an internship at Youth Incorporated and is in the Junior Editorial Board for their July 2016 issue. He already has his own blog and has written for Parsi Times. He appeared on Radioone 94.3 where he shared his views on homeschooling and his webseries #MeThinks .

He proved to be perfect example of a low stress but right and efficient learning. Even on the days of exams he was as cool as a cucumber, getting up peacefully two hours before the departure time and getting by his morning chores. Studies??? Revision was done thoroughly. Now what was the need to get hyper over nothing at the last MINUTE??? Well that was a huge relief! For we never want to put our kids into any situation that will bring them discomfort or frowns. The basic philosophy of Home-schooling is let kids be free to pursue what they want and if they must do certain compulsory stuff, then with minimal discomfort!

At this juncture, someone questioned “Why give exams of any sort when you homeschool?” Well there are Radical Homeschoolers who have done away with exams and pursue Life in a different hue. But we peg ourselves as the guided home-schoolers bunch. The Idea is to observe the child and give him or her freedom, at the same time prepare to deal with the conventional thought structure of the society in which they will be absorbed as they grow. The idea is not to rebel but to gently question an outdated system…do something transformational and prove or validate the new methodology implemented.

To summarise the idea is, not to show a thumb to the world and say your way is dumb, but to show that an alternative exists and can be executed through the very system…So many secretly thought that our kids run wild and waste their time. We were way too out of sync.

All this changed with one simple demonstration of results…Shahen scored a whopping 93.6% !!!

When the news was broken to the committee of the centre where he appeared as a private candidate, all stood up unanimously giving him a standing ovation. For this was the first time a 17(A) student at their centre had managed this feat. For our home-schooling community too it brought hope and a proud tale to recount. They now have an example to narrate. A success story changes everything. Shahen gave them, and us, that success story. Generally 17 form was always for a failed ninth grader or a drop out…no more…Shahen’s success story lends dignity to this form as now a facility to be availed and not something to look down.

Does the dude rest on his laurels…Nope…he does not! He has taken another different decision.  He is going to take Arts as his stream of further studies. What 93.6% and Arts??? He is a boy and Arts???? As a Mom I now smile amusedly at all the reactions. When we do something new, well let our accomplishments and time tell the story…why argue or convince??? Like it happens now, when Times of India gives him a mention in the Achiever’s Section!!!

 The Asian Age Gives a half page Coverage to the entire family applauding the decision!!!
 Perception changes!!! 

Queries regarding how to home-school, what is home-school increase…Home-schoolers look on hopefully to duplicate the phenomenon.

And yet we suggest to all who seek Home-schooling, this…Do it not as a fad!

It is a solemn decision which requires deep thought on the part of the parents. This requires you to view your children with a fresh perspective capable of unique contributions. If you label your children as immature, lazy or disobedient something needs heavy introspection. Blaming neither the children nor the school is going to sort out anything. 

If you view your children only through the Lenses of their marks; their academic achievements or lack thereof…do not even peep into Home-schooling! For Home-schooling is about celebrating your children…their Childhood…respecting their limitations…finding another alternative path for their happiness if the school path brings them Misery. They are capable of a lot only if you believe in them. As parents and primary care-givers, you ought to extend a confident and unconditional acceptance of their choices. If as a child you loved reading a certain literature but you see your child hell bent on audio visual medium, accept it, respect it…

You have to be responsible…dedicated…hardworking…these are commands that cannot be enforced…they have to be naturally inculcated as a process where freedom of choice and love of their uniqueness is expressed!

So while we sit content at having helped the elder son carve a lovely opening to a life which he looks up with possibility and confidence...the younger one continues to home-school and grow in the freedom  offered. He learns languages, Social Sciences, Math and Science…along with acting in short films and one part of him always stuck in his Clash of Clans…and another part devoted to Cricket…we have now to find a different academic get away for him too, as the SSC 17 FORM requires a minimum mandatory fifth grade certificate. He opted out after second grade. We are looking at the NIOS option for his final as well as interim assessment of in between years. Much is likely to change and much we need to change.

Always remember the children have only one childhood and let us not lose it in the rat race of getting him the first rank…score forcibly that entrance test…Let us gently hug them...kiss them to sleep with security that world is a lovely playground where all shall play and all have room to win and make a niche of themselves and be the toppers of happiness!!!

By Sonnal Pardiwala

A year into Homeschooling…Finding ourselves...

This time of the last year, we were frantic with anxiety over our decision and slightly excited with anticipation at what lay ahead. Every Hour we kept asking and replying, if we did the right thing. Every day, we promised to get the academics right and in place and kept a backup school going plan if needed.

We realised, we were in for new revelations and well kinda twelve month long vacation for self and kids. We began a new journey not only to give kids a happier childhood, freedom from enforced structure, but also rediscovering our own individual self and reclaim the dreams we thought we had lost in our race for winning the mundane life goals, we were given by society…

This Blog is as much for me as much for you. I am simply chronicling and documenting where our paths meandered and crisscrossed and made an intricate fabric of relearning for the entire family…Homeschooling is finding your own self too…

I do not plan to be preachy and put forward abstract dialogues and high flying philosophy. All I will do is pick each member of my family and state how we changed and grew and are growing…you take what belongs to you…for each journey is unique in its flavour. Our tale may simply speak of an alternative that can be…

So before we pick each person let us pick one aspect of our life and how it affected us

ROUTINE

Naturally, no school took away a lot of hurry from our mornings. Since we begin our class at two in the afternoon, we anyways never had to rush to work. But without the pressure of school suddenly a lot of time and planning was freed up. Previously, I as a mom, had a set pattern and it became so mechanical for me . I had to get up first and prepare the two tiffins...Modern schools are so loving they have two breaks…they care so much for the kids appetite. Frankly, all it added was trouble for me, as I had to come up with quick make kind of food. The Modern-age  schools love health so their dictum was  to send home made food…so all my Innovative and creative self, had to be called upon to Devise this home- made food in half hour regime and pack it while kids dragged themselves out of bed and bathed …sometimes later we had begun a system of bathing in the night so they could sleep more but of course there were last minute snarls with nature’s call…some material or note book they misplaced and socks that were wet …or such things…There was not much time left in order to hug or say a kind word to my kids, droopy with sleep.

Next when they left my whole existence revolved around catching up on a small nap and again creating a Lunch that could be packed to our class for the afternoon meal when they came back. So mornings were just cook, clean and pack routine with barely any time left to converse with my better half or even sit back and share tea. Even with tea in hand there would be vegetables to be cut …or conversation centred on what shall be the dinner…

At class, we had a small refrigerator and microwave for preserving the freshness of the food and serve it warm …and as soon as we reached the class, we diligently kept everything in order. Few hours flew by in classes and kids by and large managed themselves with lunch and covering up their whole routine of home- work and test and  assignments.

We reached home at around eight thirty with so much baggage someone quipped “Are you coming from an outing?” For we had two school bags, two pair of uniforms bags as they changed clothes post school added to that there was the plastic boxes of afternoon lunch we carried…boy we had some packages with us. So, naturally when we came back home it was a flurry of activity of getting the dirty boxes in the sink, fixing dinner, cleaning, kids catching up on remaining assignments…and also reinvent stuff for next day. We had to pack the school bags for next day…before we knew it, it was midnight and we hit the bed restless ,little angry ,more tired and frustrated while calculating how many hours before we hear the alarm again???

Sundays then brought no respite for we wanted to catch up on the sleep,wash all the uniforms ,homework again …any social invites or outings looked like an impediment to limited hours of holiday that we would get…Atleast I wanted to hole up in my bed and sleep…my children wanted  to play …my husband wanted to watch his TV and when all this clashed…sometimes volcanic eruptions…

In order to deal with the stressful daily routine that seemed to promise to take us some where we made our life very structured and mechanically tight. We did this so that we could ignore asking vital questions to self about nourishing inner self or even consider thinking alternatives.

We looked forward to the round of stress that projects would bring or annual sports day or functions would impinge upon our daily tightly jammed schedule. WE had to be creative in fitting the extra pegs of puzzles that would be thrown at us due to exams or functions…We forgot self and were at times acidic at how life has been not so kind to us…at times blaming parents and other authority figures or government to blame…

So we were surviving up until we chose to HOMESCHOOL…Get kids out of school.

Life without school ??? Can it happen?? Yes it can…if you are sure and ready to understand learning as constantly happening process rather than what takes place in books or places like school.

Learning happens when you try something you have not till now because it interests you…

Learning happens when you question an existing order and ask if it applies to you or can you experience at different level.

Learning happens when you dig in your heels and say this intrigues me so much I will pursue it till my heart does not call it off and quits.

Learning happens when something new presents to yourself that is outside your diaspora of activities…and you develop a sort of accepting attitude as plausible and not reject it outright because it does not fit your system.

Learning happens when you accept wisdom comes from all corners and not only from people who are very senior to your age or authority…sometimes wisdom comes from my 14 year old…like today when I was fuming at a perceived insult and my 14 year old looks at my haggled frame and asks “But why are you so angry ? What is the issue? Why you think it is an insult? Why do you not see that she is ultimately doing publicity of your work…her motive you know but publicly as a record it is your praise that is going up…either acknowledge it at Face value or do not rise up to it…”Simple Wisdom but such deep thinking…I had yet to cultivate and extricate myself from just entangling myself into Dramas that are self made…He could think this way for he had LEARNED…Really learned to Think…not like me simply React…I stopped in my angry track…right there to thinkkkkkk….Anger still took time to evaporate but slowly it did…I am learning from all corners now…I decided to check…what happens if I do not react and chose to remain silent…like he was telling me to do…I learned to control temper…not through some grand anger management workshop but from a A Teenager who had grown up to question everything gently…and convert life circumstances to positive self- serving bends …I was proud to learn this bit for I had chosen to raise him differently

Learning happens when you live in the moment and think life challenges can be handled as and when they arise and not fret and worry and ruminate over it. We still do not have answers to what they will choose for a career but we are  realising that the kids have so much more time to explore ,choose,discard than a regular schooler would.

Shahen quickly finished reading all the academic books that we had purchased and we found it quite enlightening to discuss the language chapters and concepts rather than the routine one line answers or brief answers and give reasons geographical or historical…It was so much more healthy and active to animatedly discuss the reasons and motives of a historical figure for a certain event and then laugh at times to wonder…what does it matter as of now???

It was Hilarious to wonder if a yonder king were to build one monument each for all the queens he had married…so much drain on treasury…hmmm…it was fun discussing and ending up chuckling and building up funny imageries that could have changed world history…no attempt at making fun..only imagining a different ending to a certain event and wondering at their personal traits and illnesses and eccentricities…

So naturally after this a lot more challenging stuff was needed for their creativity to come out.
He took to blogging and sharing his views about schooling. 
He participated in a blogging contest and won it!

He was recognised by Indi blogger forum as the youngest blogger on board. 

He read books avidly and took to doing Video reviews of latest book releases.                                                                                  


                                                      
Shahaan too joined in doing one of a “ Roald dahl” book. Anything that challenged Shahen had to go through rigorous googling  and youtubing…forgive me..it is a by- product of Homeschooling..we realised we could invent words to suit our moods and mental states and jokes…we realised Language is a medium to express and it was ok if we were not perfect in it. In School we were so told to be particular with our punctuation marks and cross our “t”  a certain way…no more.

We learned it was ok to invent few words along the way and mix a little of two if needed. The idea was to express and make yourself understood…such relief. Finally no one was going to cut marks but at the max shake head at the comedy it creates…no need to prove you are a literatti!!!

Shahen took part In MUN(Model United Nations) at D.J .Sanghvi College of Engineering.He was the Delegate of Indonesia and spoke and debated about Human Rights Violation in Syria,Iraq and Libya by ISIS. He got the honourable Mention as one of the Best Delegates in the committee(Best five). He rubbed shoulders with students  who were naturally few years senior to him.

Shahen was so happy speaking that naturally when we had a media event at a reputed book store, he donned the mantle of AN Anchor and the compliment came from a senior person when he asked “Have you done a course in Professional Anchoring?”

   Pride and smile was the only reply, he could make. When we do what we love, it comes out naturally and brings immense satisfaction. He, then, went on to find a Tele Anchoring course that will smoothly blend in his need for facing the camera with an intellectual mix of ideas. Again need I say he is the youngest to enrol amongst the graduates who are chosen for the course The Decision came from an apprehensive faculty who gave a thumbs up after viewing his book reviews and happily raising brows at his marvellous albeit raw confidence…

While Shahen explored his preferences the young Shahaan is equally and playfully serious about asserting his  tiny intelligent self and finding his interests too.

 So as his elder brother he too read a book by Roald Dahl and put in a video review but went on to  realise it is not his cup of milk to read through patiently an entire book so he moved onto putting up reviews of Video games he played.

He had this love for animals and thought becoming veterinarian was a cool idea which later on he realised was a long drawn academic process. So he googled with his brother and narrowed his level of interest in becoming a Canine Behaviourist. His reasoning… ultimately, I want to work with animals specially dogs so this is the best way. Well whatever he ends up doing what makes me happy is that he is growing into a thinker and a human who is looking into problem solving. He realises that he ought to match his preferences and the Vocation he chooses in order to live a meaningful life. He, also, is a person learning to live in the moment and has wisdom galore especially during arguments that inevitably are a part and parcel of family life.

He is the peace maker in the family appealing to all members to forget and forgive and at times refrain from using confrontational language so further escalation of conflict can be prevented. So in a way, he recognises the oncoming crisis and has identified factors that would avoid an out- break. Well little later in life I do plan to discuss with him that once in a while it is alright to clear the Air but just yet am happy to amusedly observe his insights and musings on “I do not like anyone to be sad”

He is the chirpy happy go lucky Jack in our house without whom a strange silence would descend…for he is non- stop chatter on all the adventures he has undertaken with his tiny world.

As a Two some they explored dance and that too resulted in varied choices and decision as to what they truly desire . We chose two different environment and the revelations were interesting and dynamic…Since, sports develops a healthy attitude towards life and the kids dabbled happily from cricket, to tennis, to cycling, to skating(that, only for the younger one)...
We enrolled them into a Dance workshop of reportedly famous people attached to TV reality dance shows. These guys have earned their name and fame through this show. We had no such intention of pushing our kids towards any tele exposure but it was like if you are learning then learn from the Best. Three days workshop but kids came out disappointed .They learned dance but were not happy with the Ambience and company. In their words ,folks around there used too many swear words to be comfortable…the hair do each one carried was quite weird and at times offensive…many including boys had body pierced at unlikely places and long jewellery pieces hung obnoxiously …at times the course teachers looked at each other in the middle of the steps while dancing as they forgot what they had to do…all this cannot escape my two perceptive kids…They were cordial yes but they clearly expressed well defined views to me. The Elder one simply accepted “ Mom I may enjoy dancing in a party but It is not my passion” The younger one a little thoughtful “ I like doing it but it should be less crowded and the language should be cool” Ok, so we took in the feedback with a pinch of salt at having been a little hasty and carried away…

We promised to be careful to find a space that will be little more professional and less chaotic.

All this while, we were meeting our academic goals too but a little differently. Shahen finished his sciences ,languages and read tons of contemporary Indian authors and began putting up his you tube reviews . At the same time, he also stumbled upon Psychology Textbook .Though the textbook was a little monotonous it opened up his google search engines. Daily he would come up with different researches, being carried out that he was reading up and the ten thousand questions that would follow made me to look up in the area. Curiousity and discussions and debates are mom and son’s favorite time-consuming activities.

As individuals, Mom and Dad, that is me and my husband too flourished . As I put in earlier as the mundane uncreative lifted from our lives, we gave freedom to our inner creative self. We began daring ourselves to do what we never allowed ourselves so far.

I began blogging on a tele series simply because it took my fancy and it inspired me ..nothing heavy only light and fun entertainment. Then I found the relevant fan pages of the tele show and a new wave of energy took over my life. Till now I was known as Nozzer’s wife, Shahen and shahaan’s mom, so n so teacher…Now I came to be known as SONNAL PARDIWALA the Author in a circle little wider and expansive than the Lane I was working. I may not earn money out of it but I earned immense recognition and deep satisfaction. People knew me now beyond my culinary and teaching and spiritual healing skills.Then my hubby dear turned the blogs into a colourful book which went on to become a happy tryst with a different world than mine… 

 I so so enjoyed the whole promotion and sale and the various interactions and the fifteen seconds of fame. It is a heady feeling and did wonders to lift my confidence as an individual. In my Kitty this was my personal individual achievement. Something, I did purely for myself and I was known purely for myself. It made me feel as if I exist. It was not like I did not but this was a different feeling altogether. I doubt if I can explain this. But I grew and I relaxed in my sense of identity. In accidental pouring out of a Blog post I found a world that would so complete my existence.I also had begun sharing my journey on home schooling just so that it helps some anxious soul into their dilemma. Even these blogs received happy recognition among its readers as well as it got featured on various platforms like Café Dissensus and Femina Magazine. So it was out an out journey establishing my worth as a Blogger and I love myself Immensely as each feedback I get that is positive and each recognition that gets me congratulations from many corners.

My better half is not far behind. He had already published his first book and now his articles found place in Parsi Times where he puts forward his gentle queries on accepting the NEW and Celebrating the Old and merging Diverse culture to attract happiness. His insightful takes on various human quirks and customs are a treat to read .That too got him his share of recognition and encouragement as an individual apart from being a diligent teacher, dutiful dad and dedicated Husband, he now is also an awesome and sensitive writer whose write ups are awaited…And he went forth and completed his second book all the while working on making my book available at various popular platforms like Flipkart India and making his-LIVE on Amazon. Soon his second book will be available in print form on flipkart too. 

With each research of his he betters himself ,coming up with new technologies and making it possible to dream and soar.

All of this we have been doing while we carry out our Teacher’s tasks systematically. That is one role we take very seriously and systematically.

Then comes … the May Vacations and once again my Husband throws in one of his rare ones at reinventing.

We still wanted to explore for our children Dancing and we admitted to ourselves that we had simply  chosen the wrong ambience and platform . So this time we decided to go to the Best and that was” Shiamak Davar” Dance stints that happen regularly. So we planned to enrol our kids into it. My husband dear goes in to pay fees for two and ends up enrolling the entire Family into it!!!!!!

Dance at 40??? I mean really?? With a group of kids half your age or even less?? I was appalled at the very thought. The eagerness on my children’s face was disarming and my husband’s charming argument won me over “What will we do outside waiting for both of them??” “It is our vacation time let us do something as a family instead of just going on a Vacation and wasting thousands”

That was true. In the sweltering heat, going for any place would be hectic and tedious. We came up with this cool idea of Staycation and enjoy life. Instead of later arguing over the money spent or place chosen we decided to do something different and drastic as a woman I met put in “Your husband is enrolling you in a dance class is such a big thing” hmmm…indeed…we live in a patriarchal world and I must be grateful for such a liberal hubby…thank you GOD!

We had a rollicking time for we had not gone in for any sense of competition or race. For the first time in my life I prepared for a stage show. So far I had arranged for the costumes of my kids at their school shows but here I was wearing a costume and going to the parlour for a hair style. I do not remember doing it after my marriage ceremony ever…but we as a family decked up cute and had a roaring time and life time of memories and realised laughing and giggling is more important than being perfect.  We left the arena of being perfect to those earnest ones who wanted to mark a career in the respective field.

The resultant elation was infectious to my kids too. They liked this ambience for all interacted decently in either cool English or clear and respectful Hindi. The attitude they carried was in their body as grace and there were no piercing jewellery hanging and dangling. Instead they asked us to wear no accessories so we could dance totally free. All in all it was a fun experience left us wanting for more and the general feeling was if we can we shall repeat this…maybe next vacation.

Vacations end brought in new revelations to each one of us. Academically elder one is gearing up to give tenth Boards through Maharashtra state board if all the long winding rules and regulations are taken care of and permit. He stumbled upon this Tele Anchoring Course actually meant for graduates but well we homeschoolers are a cheeky lot and we do not believe in age parameters. We have discovered a new talent…we can convince people to mend n bend a few rules and give a new thing a go…they agreed to take him in. he is the youngest kid to go in the course. However he fares he definitely is exposed to who is who of media and is learning diction rules and facing camera…a complete skill set he will learn…and I feel mission accomplished the idea is to create new boundaries for our kids to think about life beyond these academic limits set by our society and exploring …

We learned my kids have an advantage for they have started exploring young they can discard what they do not like and decide what they enjoy but cannot turn into livelihood…

We also learned to say goodbye to an emotion called “Worry” we also learned all things happen in time and we need not control everything. We discovered that we also learned to intervene less in other people’s lives. So we have less interest in what others are doing as we have so much more to discover about our lives that we are actually not too  hyper about how we are measuring up to our other folks.

It is such a relief that we have done away with the thing called Competition. So much stress moves away when you move out of this zone. The whole family dynamics shifts to positive notes and it feels relaxed as if we will find our way home smoothly and the paths we take will meander to pleasanter spaces …will add to our experiences and enrich the tapestry of life.

So when we sip our tea at the sunset of our life we can say we lead a rich eventful and yet adventurous life.  

                                                             -written by Sonnal Pardiwala.

             © Sonnal Pardiwala. All Rights Reserved.

What do I want From My children...and for my children…?

Somebody asked me this question and I wondered …a whole set of insights and interrogations tumbled into my mind and heart…the musings have brought in lot of thoughts and still I am far from concluding….

First things first! If I have to quote Gibran...your children come through you and not for you ….I read it as a young teenager and ever since I held my babies in my hand and helped them grow...I have kept this adage in my heart. Really, do I even have a right to expect anything for or from my children? Are they responsible for my happiness or growth or sense of wellbeing? The answers I got are what I need to pen down… Rather type down. So if ever I were to leave this path of letting them be...I can bring myself back on track .What I expect from my children also was very revealing to me and quite startling...a little unconventional and little out of the ordinary…

Let me get down to what and how I think I want to be Able to see, relate and function with my kids… very cliché I WANT THEM TO BE HAPPY.

What is new, anyone would ask, every- one wants that .There is not a single parent on this earth who would not claim this one. Even then look closely. Every parent gets very closely interlinked with their growing up and their own possible economic, social and psychological struggle. As adulthood is the time when pressures are on financially and socially to adhere to a certain standards ...certain choices and activities parents undertake because they are mandatory, expected …at times can be deemed as sacrifice by them. At many junctures in life they may have to give up on certain aspirations of their own…not pursue a certain career path or relocation idea. These then on occasions are passed on to the kids to fulfil. Children because they love their parents may oblige simply to fall in line, express their unconditional love or simply to seek approval. This may be at the expense of then what they really want. Result lack of inner glow and now what I define as true happiness. I want my children to do something only and only because it inspires them ...it interests them…it ignites them .I do not ever wish that they may be the recipient of any of my unfulfilled wants and grouses with life. I want this in everything they do. Even if they join a certain activity, if they choose a career path, if they choose a life partner …it should be their heart felt decision. If it makes them sing with joy...laugh with abundance and smile cheekily with acceptance it should be all theirs.

One would ask “Would you never wish that they be a certain way?” Oh yes! I do but I would rather share my expectations and leave it at that .Yes I am a human being and I do have expectations but I am training to tame them and not let them turn into obsession. I have seen mothers run from one class to another just so they can claim the credit of their ward’s glory …it kind of fulfils them…I want to have my own avenues to fulfil me. With my kids, all I want is, simply be proud of their laurels and a tissue paper for catching their tears of failures. I want to be there as a confidant simply examining both and preparing further. The key word that I wish to emphasize is LOCUS OF CONTROL. I would truly sigh in peace if my kids have a locus of control, a sense of “I am in charge of what happens to me”.

Many situations came in life for which I was not prepared …for no one had ever prepared...maybe no one can prepare you. No one can really help you deal with cruel inhuman people or situations. Life is, at times, not fair or it does not go as per our plans. That is time a person’s inner power needs to take charge and say ok- this-happened-now-I-will-deal-with-this. Go ahead and devise intelligent ways of thinking and coping with it. Always the focus should be on creating something positive out of a given circumstance and add to it loads and loads of sense of humour.

That is another expectation from my dear Miracles. I have been to nasty hospitals where staff was at best inhuman, unkind and ill- mannered.  I have been to Police station, sorry! Have been dragged to one for no rhyme or reason and humiliated…….and I have been to a situation of helplessness and utter despair. Yet, when I look back at these events and recount them to either to my kids or someone close all it generates is a quirky take on human behaviour and gaffe…It has helped me tremendously to be able to take it all in my stride for I have this uncanny sense of humour for a companion .It cannot be given ...it has to be inculcated by always observing keenly humans and the situations around. We are constantly living in the midst of a hilarious existence and it comes truly handy…to observe it and use it to weave anecdotes of your past- significant account of your past and present…I would love even today to put out my tongue at a kid whizzing by on a nearby bike without even knowing who he or she is and get a smile or frown…It helps me love life and smile .So yes I want that my kids learn to appreciate this truly circus of an existence…enjoy smiling ...spread smile wherever they go ..and not allow anything much to keep them down for long .Whatever, life doles out, they catch it with a Responsible shake of head (locus of control) and sassy smile at the twists and turns of life (sense of humour) Laughing at times gets back a sense of We- can- handle- it- grip so to speak….worst of quarrels with my hubby well went off due to one of us calling on this seedy side of us or one of us would have borne the LATE SO-N-SO-title for sure ...yes!!! We are foe to be reckoned with when we yell murder ...gross!!! but one of us pealing into laughter at the absurdity of it all and laughing at it through the rest of the times have kept us intact all these two decades…and counting…

On musing further a truly funny thought crossed my silly mind and that is I WANT MY KIDS TO BE ECONOMICALLY INDEPENDENT sooner than later…Honestly when I look back at our ancient society kids matured early mentally and gender specific they were ready to adopt their duties...girls learned household and culture management…boys ready to pool in with whatever it is that father did.

I am in no ways advocating child marriage or exploitation here…only the readiness created in that ancient society in them as to when they shall partake of their responsibilities and begin fending for themselves .Girls knew their way around the house and boys the outside zone…I wish to make my kids ready in every possible way to fend for themselves .It is an unspoken fear of mine “what if I am not there someday?” Silly but ask any parent and they will own up to entertaining this fear deep in the recesses of their hearts .I am only honest enough to word it. …So I want that my boys should cook, clean and have a knowhow of what to buy and how to buy of everything...from grocery to grains to stationery to you name it...I would love it if my boys would just as easily balance a cheque book of their personal account as much as they begin depositing money they themselves have earned .However in today’s time it looks not too likely .I have seen societal expectations allowing kids to be students till the middle of their lives...acquiring degrees and certificates. Later overcharging their customers for the money they invested...ok little judgemental am I!!!! Apologise for this, if I hurt sentiments.

Career too is something I feel is not static .In our times we studied for a degree and that was that our career was made ...done...you were a banker, teacher, officer...nine to five slave….However today we live in fluid times... careers change ...people change…opportunities change …availability changes…so sky is the limit for kids living in this time. Who is to say if the kid chose to study engineering today would not be excited to paint landscapes few years down the line…? Who is to say that an M.B.A. may not give up the corporate path and walk the lane to spirituality or go on to become a renowned writer? Who is to predict anything ?There are examples galore to quote the above instances…All that counts is Being happy and to get that thing called Satisfaction out of life …contentment.

So, as a mother I share fully my traits with my kids. I share my humorous sad stories with them and affirm I laugh in spite of them. I cook with them in the kitchen different cuisines and demonstrate you can learn just about anything. I share my passion for everything with them …right from Spirituality ...to teaching...to learning new languages….to sharing my craziness on a tele–serial and its characters….to show them that sometimes I just feel tired and plonk on the bed lazy as a hippopotamus on leave…to being super active on exam schedules in tuition class (nerds...my kids home-school...no exams for us) ….to being philosophical on issues which moms never discuss with their sons ...I do…From rape to racism…everything….to teaching them to rise to every occasion that demands flexibility…what applied today may have to change tomorrow and we have to be ready for it….

Whatever they do in life they will find me an excited friend onto a journey who has only pointers to a way. A readiness to walk with them as long as they want me to with them…and when the detour comes if it does…I have plenty yet to share...laugh and live…

Musings shall continue…do stay tuned, with me if you like and give your valuable feedback...it may differ from mine but we all will learn from sharing…

© Sonnal Pardiwala

Reached Somewhere….Going Nowhere…

So , The decision to home school the kids was taken and the thought began to settle in our hearts….

In May , the feeling was pretty much subdued as the month of vacations was on and kids were  totally involved with well, boys’ stuff…cricket…video games …getting up late…

Come June and gradually it began to seep in. The routine began. Home learning felt as if we were moving house…..you take with you all the memories …good ones …you can take a few things with you to relocate but some things attached and unmovable …unnecessary maybe you leave behind.

We too had to decide what we will take of school and what we could leave behind for good or …

Suddenly there was no need to get up early and rush for school and that meant no need to forcefully get into bed early too. .we could linger a little and talk. We could watch a movie if we so liked. .there were suddenly no Monday Morning blues. Each one of us could have a me-time after a long day of work and spend time with our electronic friends…if we so desired. Kids did not have pressing deadlines to meet and that meant there was no demand on every hour. We actually stopped looking at the clock to ascertain how much time did we have to complete this or that or whatever…What relief!!!!

However we still belonged to the strong conditioning in our minds that kids need the paper and pencil and structure so we sat down and asked this all important question “What subjects would you like to study?” Language, math, science… History, geography was plain rejected. Then came the time to discuss HOW??Again we put the ball in their court. They decided mornings and certain parts of afternoons were good for them…we were delighted to actually find that we could discuss a lesson more in depth and they could write answers at length in their own interprets and I stopped putting in markings as previously I used to do…My first lesson…what is written is to be appreciated and maybe added to with your own tones. It cannot and should never be restricted to marks. 

That established…. lot of anxiety still lingered ….anxious heart beats over “Was it still the right decision?” We began our day at our class and soon another dilemma cropped up. We were asking other kids to do those same things that we opted out of. Now that needed balancing. I had to compartmentalise myself first as a mother…strategies that I used for my kids was a direct parental decision making arising out of changing the way we thought what we want for our kids in life. For starters we wanted that they should not have to go through the stress of bags and burdens of other people’s dictates of how they should acquire knowledge. Knowledge is everywhere …not only in textbooks but in little things...in the visit to a doc....in watching a movie …in arguing and learning about pain and win and lose and make up or walk apart…learning is all around.

Yet come June and the kids in the class walked in with portion papers and exam time tables stating the dates when the stress period would begin. Announcing when and what the kids need to mug up. Kids as young as first grade walked in with long answers which they cannot even read but had to reproduce…their speed…their grasping...understanding not in question but …reproduce they had to…or remarks poured in “needs to write fast” “be neat “ “needs improvement”…and tuitions are meant to fix these so called errant behaviours. Tuition as a system is a direct consequence of school acting as the verdict giving faculty…No one questions the school that we put our kids in school so that they may learn to read or write or improve…!! Then on who is exactly the school putting the onus of all the education the child is to receive. As a teacher I could see where the child was …what needed working and how much approximate time would that require…oh, but it had to now match the time tables of constant tests offered in school. I had to drop the mantle of mother within me. I could not give the same freedom and leverage to these kids whose improvement [good grades] I was responsible for. I had to drop my patience and agonisingly devise short-cuts so that these little ones can produce a good test record. On Fridays and Saturdays I could actually feel the tiredness in these kids eyes...my little ones I could give the freedom and say you do not feel like paper and pencil and book ….just leave it. I could not give the same respect to these first to ten graders to let it be. If they did not write some certain pages their parents complained...Give them heavy homework…WAS THE REQUEST.

Oh God!!! Was what they did throughout the week not enough? They needed to work even in weekends ….And I needed to compartmentalise….on a war footing.

I had to tell myself ‘this is work’ and had to follow the wily rules however much I did not agree with them. With my own kids it was a way of life. Our way of life! Two separate boxes and they needed to be kept separate. It took a while but I learned that bit by bit! I learned to tune out as soon as the last student walked off. I switched on when I entered the class. I tried my best to make it worth the class time...be inventive in how I give my lessons...overlook a bit when Monday homework was not turned in….

With my own kids also I learned to relax…when they played heartily and came back perspiring and huffing…I truly relaxed. Suddenly the whole issue of Socialising seemed to fall into its place. I actually realised I did not have much to do. .they had their own popularity, we had people constantly at our door asking for their company…wherever they went, at the class, at home everywhere.

We human beings still hate vacuum...we love problems and anxiety...we cannot seem to live without them...we cook them up when we have a smooth life...if one issue cools down we sort of create another…stay with me & LIVE MY CONFUSION .

Suddenly an unknown fear began gripping at me. What are my children’s interests that I can fan? I had met and was in touch with many home schooling parents and I saw them doing so much creative stuff...someone doing scientific experiments…some maths...some were talented in dance or music and giving concerts...someone so creative with craft and arts…

My boys were well boys …they loved cricket…played video games...diligently followed textbooks that we provided and absorbed the material. That was that. I am not a scientific person…have no creative craft in my entire system…my work schedule did not allow that we take off to various destinations on whims, visit places.

What are we doing then with our kids? Will we ruin their life? What talents we can nurture? And I spent sleepless nights and harrowing days …..

Then I decided to give myself a break….absolute break…went down to my basics. We were cool…chilled. Our routine well established and our decision affirming every day. So there was no harm in giving this anxiety a break. Stop thinking and just be ….

I learned to appreciate my kids in a passive mode. Just observe and enjoy them. There was so much time for them to go and begin an economic life. Why the competition in my mind? What is the hurry? Are they not just wonderful the way they are? Why play at getting creative?

When you relax creative things happen….my elder one signed up at IndiBlogger and has kick started a series on chronicling his experiences in school and how he feels about home schooling…dash of humour, tons of insight and there I have a thinking, feeling individual expressing himself as eloquently as he could.

My little one found his energy in a tennis class and was so super excited two days even before his class would begin…he is happy with his cricket bat. Tennis racquet. His video games…and his life.

Now can as a mother I not learn something so simple? They have taken birth with a mission…they have a long life to discover, uncover and explore. What is the hurry?

So I sit back and drop this mantle of worry …only hoping that I have unlearned and do not go on to adopt another silly issue…humans abhor vacuum you see…till then.

With a silent mind and content heart

I put my worries and concerns apart …

I begin to live ….

Sonnal Pardiwala

THE “U” Turn and UNLEARNING.

So for months we had looked at each other, nodded our heads at the school system which was not giving us the satisfaction of inculcating education for our children. Then my husband came up with the whole idea of HOMESCHOOLING. My first internal reaction was a resounding NO!!!!!!!!

I could not think of this as an alternative to our growing woes. To me it was the way to exist .That is what everyone does!!! My children were getting ranks in school .They were the toppers. It was a matter of pride to me and for me in the locality and for the family too.

Was I prepared to give it all up?? Besides I would tease my husband was he willing to let the school ways go?? He was the strict one!!! If we spoke of missing a day he was the first one to object….If the kids refused to get up he was the first one to disapprove ...I was more than happy to skip a day. .call it off after an outing…play hooky on a rainy day…We called him CENSOR BOARD…for he was very particular about the school  books and even would get down to packing their bags .I was relaxed and was ok if they got a remark or two.. mostly they would get for not carrying an art book or paints…well they did not like the session as it was highly boring according to them .He, the father, would frown and fret.

Now can you see what a mass of contradiction we both were .The strict one was willing to explore a completely uncharted territory hitherto and the relaxed one was frozen at the very prospect!!!

I thought we must work at changing the system by taking part in Parent teacher meetings and forums .We must actively get involved in the school by having high level meetings with the authorities and make them see the reason. Surely when they realise their mistake they would mend their ways!!! After all everyone wishes best for the children. I was so wrong. Then came a funny phone call that stopped me in my tracks!!!!

I did a major U turn and gave myself a chance to RETHINK…EVERYTHING THAT I THOUGHT!!!

My elder son is academically bright .He has grown up all his life observing me and his father express our thoughts in verbal form ... letters...articles books…So he was good at making up his own notes and articulating his answers, any subject… for ENGLISH LITERATURE, HISTORY, GEOGRAPHY, HINDI, MARATHI. His grammar was perfect as per the school standards as many concepts he had learned as a part of my coaching class sessions with other grades so he managed to get full marks in almost all grammar papers and literature stood highest however low the score he was the one who topped. So if teacher decided to give 11\25..he would be the one in the class to get it .All teacher could deduct was a part of compulsory cutting [it never made sense to me why they had instructions to compulsory cut marks???!!!!] The foolish reasoning put forward was “to avoid overconfidence”

Coming back to the topic, it was well known that we, parents of Shahen are Teachers of maths and languages. Many kids from other standards would approach him for markings in history and take suggestions for English answers. I got a phone call from his SCHOOL’S ENGLISH TEACHER with an explicit request “I want tuitions for myself as to how to teach English better”. For few seconds, all my coherent being went for a toss. Tuitions as such are looked down and disapproved by school. It is a condemned practice for students though it is a parallel education system. But no one is to openly admit to the benefits of tuition. I was used to a student requesting my services but the very teacher in charge of giving marks to students in a school!!!

Of course I had to be very careful in how I respond. Definitely I could not have entertained such a request as if at all the school authorities would discover it would be perceived as INTERFERENCE. My immediate response was to engage her in some polite conversation and find a decent way to say “no”. I told her it will not go down well for authorities if they were to find out and why she is finding difficult to teach. Then she revealed that she was simply a B.A. in ECONOMICS and her primary subject is not even English. The school principal had enforced this responsibility on her. She was told to refer to Wren and Martin and solve an exercise every day!!! That would improve her English…Wow!!!! She said she tried but there were so many concepts she just could not understand. Even some poems and their interpretations she was unable to do and so she played safe and gave 50 % marks in each answer. That explained so many things …the spelling mistakes and the lack of understanding displayed to essays and compositions….Phew!!!!

After that conversation I had to THINK…hard…What am I sending my kids to????That was my first UNLEARNING .I used to think schools impart knowledge. Now I asked “REALLY”. Who should I take my disappointment to? The teacher??? She was so helpless in front of the management. The Management??? They are not now interested in child development and neither interested in paying high salaries to recruit the right personnel who would do the job. Some major overhauling is required in our educational patterns but can I wait that long???

Now I was ready to go to my husband and ask “Can we actually get our kids out of school and still manage to do a good job? I had thousand apprehensions and yet now I was ready to ruthlessly examine my own ideology “Does finding a school with a certain curriculum amount to Education?” Is school the only campus to receive an education? Did my Masters in psychology degree help me in anyway? What did I get from my institutes?  It evoked in me long delicious hours of soaking myself in books in the library…making notes…understanding depths of a topic…noting debates on various issues…not many teachers that I can vouch for…

The one word here is EXPOSURE …..Can I not provide that to kids?? It was frightening too ...will I be able to offer? I shirked and let go of this dependence on school to get my children information, exposure and in general education…in letting go I took a u turn and decided to change ways ….

Then came a lovely learning experience CONFERENCE AT KHANDALA 2014. Till then I had just offered to change ways yet my years and years of conditioning of this is how we go into financial world and earn money, prevailed.

I recklessly asked questions, shared my fears, interacted with every person who was willing to. The certificate issue too got cleared as some kids were appearing for IGCSE & NIOS exams. For the first time we realised that there were some people who did not even care for school system. All my life I  had come across tense mothers soliciting advice on the right school…books…tuition classes…phonetics….Here I met moms who were not even giving school a thought, they were happy letting their kids just enjoy their childhood. OH YES!!!! Why burden them with bags and marks and competitions??? Why drag them out of their play time to attend school where they are expected to sit a certain way…eat a certain way…draw when told…write when told…stand in line when told…in short grow up to be adults who will do anything after only when they are instructed ,and told to do something…

We, parents, adhere to conformist notions in order to do the best for our children. That day in Khandala… I realised…. I woke up too late to this fact. All those days went past my eyes when my little one hugged me and cried and refused to go in the school and we had two maushis and a teacher dragging him from me…why? Oh why did I allow that????…why did I not think of hugging him back and say nobody will send you somewhere you do not want to go. Is that really discipline to do something against your will? Or is it discipline to do something that you want to do and you have the zeal to arrange everything so that it all turns out beautifully and you come out smiling from the endeavour? Is it truly structure to sit for hours in one position and take out books and listen to someone you know does not know half of what is involved in the topic?

One dear girl very wisely pointed out “If your children are as intelligent as you say, why you want someone else to decide in which grade they should be or what they should read or write or do????”

That kind of philosophy emerges out of free thinking. Here was a girl fearlessly and non-chalantly asking a forty year old something she had never ever figured it mattered. Yes why should someone else decide what they should do? Their intelligence their time their interests…Why meddle?? Why not enjoy their life unfold…Again I took a U- turn...I unlearned about school directing and labelling my kids……

So we turned inwards to check how we had allowed ourselves to get hyper anxious. Why we had bought into all these philosophies which did not add value to our children’s lives? Why had we outsourced this important need of our children?

Because that is what everyone does…there was no other way to exist. Suddenly I saw that indeed there was! We were the primary Educators of our children and can take on the Mantle of exposing them to stuff that will help them grow...think...flourish..

I spend sleepless nights debating and discussing with my inner self, with my better half and asking repeatedly my kids if they were ok with the decisions…Will they miss their friends? School activities? That made me realise how deeply conditioned we are to not flow against the current. We are so deeply taught to go along and do what everyone does and do it better than others…

My major learning or u turn came when I relaxed my guard and say to myself it is ok I do not have to adhere to anyone else’s opinion .Mine is the only one that matters. When I cook or shop for my kids I do not enlist or entertain anybody else intervening then why now??? Why for school???

15^th March 2014 was the last day of our formal schooling and instead of enjoying the vacation like usual I agonised ...did I do the right thing?...should we reconsider…to any one walking this path understand that this is a normal way of detaching ..it takes a while to accept your own decisions when they are totally against the accepted norm .I no longer felt the need to criticise or condemn school viciously as again the relaxed me realised they do what they do ..It is your call that makes all the difference .I have stored this reasoning one liner. .PEOPLE DO WHAT THEY DO ...IT IS YOUR CALL THAT MATTERS.

Then came a different experience. The need to prove that you did the right thing…so on 1^st April ...when the school restarts we too stood at the bookstore to buy books and oh boy!!!! We were in for a different experience…the book store owner refused to entertain us without the school name...we came back at a peaceful time we managed to get few…few he did not have and he still does not have... for us maybe…maybe not…he says schools have tied up with the publisher and so stores do not have books ...he is angry…makes sense [On a humorous note I felt like telling him to tie up with Home-schooling community ...He will have business galore and will never be let down]

Then in the midst of the crowd me and my husband we asked a simple question “Why this hurry? Previously there were tests …deadlines...notes to be made…school had started ...now what??? Now why?? To show whom?? To prove what?? Why this rush in the month of April only? BECAUSE WE ARE CONDITIONED BEINGS.REPETITIVE…HABITUAL CREATURES…

Ok we learned a new lesson. We could buy whenever and start with whatever books we have got. Even if we do not start who will ask us? We literally took a U-turn of our car and did not go in the shop. We did not have any standards to adhere to...we were actually ...really free. Any which ways if they would be in state board school they would be enjoying vacations …so whose yardstick we go by…none...

At home we began with the elder one. English lesson and for the first time “WE READ”. Till now we used to quickly read through and go through the lesson and discuss the probable answers and …he would go and attempt the test the next day. But that day we enjoyed for we read and discussed and understood and connect other stories related to it and importance of “HUMANITY”. That was the topic of the lesson. He clicked on the links given for Robert frost and came to know about Russian wall. ..Berlin wall…AND DISCUSSION VEERED TO COMPOUND WALLS AND WHOA…!!!! We had a blast. The next day he wrote extensive notes from the back of text .Long answers that took almost a day. But he took his time ...sitting in front of television...watching his show…talking with us...taking a break. The answers were cool. Then he asked me a natural question “How many marks test will you give me? “And I wondered at the futility of it all!!! He knew the lesson. Had read it thoroughly, made extensive and expressive notes now where was the need of a 25 marks test??? The proof, if any was required, was there.

As if to validate my musings Shahen’s previous year‘s class teacher whose son was in the same grade as him came home asking about home schooling. She wanted to know what we were doing and why and how…She was shown the book that we maintained ..She quipped that even though her son has given the test he still complains he does not understand the lesson .According to him it was boring.

When lessons only object is marks it is difficult to maintain interest…especially text is the only resource. The children have never picked up a newspaper in life nor done more than gaming on videos. There is a whole world of Google out there that is a resource but between writing and rewriting and mugging the interest factor is lost…We learned there is no need of a formal testing. If my kids so desire we will look into it and devise.

The developmental needs of my kids are different so the younger eight years old is playful yet. He loves maths and can solve pages but gets tired faster. I chose [yes I did. Old conditioning yet hanging on.] That he should learn French .We did basic questions like what is your name…where do you live... how are you …how old are you…He can ask and answer them. He strung few sentences in French on “myself”. Now he went around asking his dad …me …his friends these queries…so when I made him sit a little longer doing writing in French…He looked straight into my eyes and asked “In home learning am I not supposed to do something till I am interested?”

That got me…I have so much to learn and unlearn and learn again…my kids are my teachers. So in May  holidays I have actually taken a sabbatical and promised them we shall not discuss any book ... we will let them do what they want...we will only chill...get up when it suits…sleep when tired…Guess I am happy…happier than happy…rested…at peace…

No activity…no classes... no I need to do something…It is major learning for me to be this way. To not direct my kids no matter where or what…only maybe at two in the night I request that I am sleepy and will appreciate if they sleep…or in the noon…please get up…water will go…are the only directions we give…they bathe when they want…

Every new parent who enters this world I welcome all of you. I will be happy if you find something useful from my musings. I will be happy to share your experiences if anyone does. I request each one to open their journeys so each one who enters this world without school may find a little of their confusions  and a little of their solutions.

Musings continue…

Sonnal Pardiwala