I am a Woman. I live several lives in one. A woman’s life is a course in survival. She strives, she triumphs, she survives and she thrives!
As a part of this species, resilient and remarkable, I declare, that,
“I am the Acceptance and I am The Change!”
Ever since I have been, I have learned to observe a situation and accept it for what it is. The only conclusion I reach is, A Woman is the Agent of Change. However dependent a woman is viewed, she has a choice always. A choice to cope, find unusual ways to deal with things, dig in the heels and create a new space, a new miracle.
The only story that rings true is the one lived. On this Women’s Day, may each story find its way out, share the wisdom gleaned and spread a shared joy! With pride, I share mine in each phase of my life.
Born a Girl, where a boy was awaited! Some welcome you get in that case. I was side-lined to give birth to more off-springs, hoping for a male progeny that never arrived. Three girls, and another one- aborted to save mother’s life. A family of five, living in impoverished circumstances, shamed at family gatherings for being what one is- A Girl!
To top it, I develop myopia at the tender age of five! Now a real loser in the family, A burden. A reason for mother to not even look at her face for spectacles remind of her difficulties in marriage market later! More shame, more humiliation.
"In all this, I figured that if I had to matter, I had to do something. I had to Love myself if no one did. I had to wipe my own tears even if no one knew I was crying."
I accepted an unworthy state but worked on one aspect that I could master. My studies! I excelled at it. I read, read and read. I fought for my Masters Education and funded pretty much myself by giving tuitions. I met my life partner in the corridors of educational halls. So much doom and gloom attributed to the bespectacled girl, never transpired!
I got my first lesson in “I am the Acceptance and I am the Change!”
As I grew up in an environment where food and shelter were existential questions to be met with first, there were no intellectual tools to stimulate oneself. Not a newspaper, not a book, not a pamphlet. My first readings came from textbooks and discarded newspapers, mostly in regional languages. Due to glasses, I was forbidden to read anything more than necessary. I had to hide and read, whenever.
I glanced at the situation and understood one thing. My reading is my aim. How, when and where I read, is not the issue. I must read. I began doing chores at a neighbour’s place. Making tea for her, helping her clean. When aunt slept, I picked up her Gujarati weekly paper and read everything. I learned writing and reading the language. I stood extra at the railway station stall of newspaper and read headlines. Slowly coaxed my uncle to bring me second hand books. Film magazines too, even medicine bottles.
College was a huge freedom. The most I loved was the Library. Books, books and books! I spent hours devouring them. As I got chance at earning money, I went to Mumbai streets to pick up the cheaper paperbacks that one got for 20 INR. What Joy! I still treasure all of them after 30+ years. Now life is cool. Online bookstores are a Boon. No one now stops me from Reading. Had I taken defeat, I would not be so rich in terms of reading and learning so much, and knowing at least five languages.
I accepted first my situation and poked my way around it. To accept and understand a situation gives you the freedom to set yourself free to find avenues to fulfill them.
I am The Acceptance and I am The Change!
- Rituals and Outdated Customs
My tryst with outmoded customs began with the onset of my menstrual cycles. I was all of 9, and made to wear the recycled clothes. Yuckkkk! Same for all the four other women in the house. No other alternative I knew, so I submitted...until, I reached college to realise there indeed was one. But wait. To use a Sanitary pad was a sin. How can parents fund a sin? No no!
Well, I had to fund my own Sin and did so gleefully. I had to demonstrate, no hell will break loose. For my comfort's sake and for my sisters' sake.
"Gradually, the sin became a part of our household. After of course few broom back breaking and much name calling. When I dig my heels, I do."
Similarly, during my first born, I refused Maalish (massage) on me or him. I took it up myself. How can anyone else nurture my child in that tender stage? To hand him over to an unkempt aayah? Thank you, but No.
When my husband was critically ill, a suggestion for making Brahmins sit for Chanting came. Though I was three months pregnant, I determinedly decided, I am the Brahmin here. It is my husband. If God has to listen, he will listen to me for sure. I did win the battle. God granted me with Grace.
Without a ceremony, without an elaborate show off. A private one on one with God. That has been my relationship to God. If I bring an idol, I do so with respect and as intuition so guides. No show off, no feeding so and so, no loud donations.
When I feel, I give to the needy. If a need is perceived, I share what I have.
Steadily, I have been in question mode for religious rituals. If a ritual is needed for me, won’t God listen if I put my heartfelt effort and desire in it?
I accept what needs to be done, then go about the change required to connect deeper.
So far, God has been a kind friend. He too accepts that,
I am The Acceptance and I am The Change!
Every situation along with it, brings a new set of Challenges. If you surmount them, you live to tell the tale, or you simply wilt.
"To have found a soulmate in an inter-faith system is kind of a course in Self-Development. You transform, or you totter."
I, a born Brahmin, had never seen non-vegetarian food. Till a certain time, even Bread was Taboo. He, a Parsee, ate everything under the sun except another human. Our food, our clothing, our festival, our religion, all vastly different than the other. The only common thread binding us- Our love for each other. From 1992 till now!
That is an incredible journey!
His sister sends him an underlined article on how interfaith marriages don’t last. How food sensibilities will clash. My love expected no change from me, except that I love him deeply, which I did.
Then I thought deeply. What was in essence pointed out were superficial things for which he was held responsible. I decided to change. Eat poultry, fish, eggs, mutton. Wear Sleeveless, shorts, one-pieces (a welcome change for me)! Be in acceptance of all that they were. No longer was he ashamed to join parties and gatherings where Veg food had to be requested. I ate what they ate.
I removed myself from another big inter-faith Conflict. I learned a practical relationship with my God-in-law. In the Zoroastrian Agyari, a person from another faith is not allowed to enter. I could have played the “Poor me” or “Rebellious me” card and create Disharmony. All I pondered was “Does it really matter, if I don’t get to go inside and pray to God? God after all is everywhere! In those few minutes, when my spouse and kids connect to God, will they forget me? Will I cease to be theirs?” To take the tension off the hook, I was happily stationed outside the Agyari, sipping the heavenly Raspberry which you get only in Udwada, or reading a book in the Car or simply taking Selfies now. There is so much to do in each moment that we overlook it in creating self-created tragedies.
Take the tension out of a situation instead of searching a tension in a situation.
The resultant peace allows us to enjoy both the religions and their lovely moments.
As a woman, it was my decision to accept and change the uncomfortable equations.
I am The Acceptance and I am The Change.
When the time to transmit faith comes, a mother is the primary agent. I passed on happy Gods in form of stories, anecdotes, self made sweet rituals that connect and bond. Instead of searching what is wrong in a religion, let us find the Right, and Transmit it.
That is the Acceptance, and thereon will begin a Change.
- Medical Crises and Balance
As a child, since more or less I was not given much importance, I was in an advantageous position. Except for an occasional fever, cough or a small head injury I remember being solidly healthy. Myopia was a condition, not to be spoken about much. They took me to eye doctors from time to time, tried few things but gave up for other busier concerns. So when I met my love, I was super surprised to see him ill frequently enough. I burst out laughing when I saw him (18 year old!) in hand gloves and socks during fever. Like in Mumbai, who needs those to feel warm??? Of course, I realised slowly that he was forbidden to eat tomatoes, lady finger, brinjals, guava??!!?? He had a kidney stone! He passed blood in urine. He had piles too! Quite a list.
For a person who never paid attention to illness and took health for granted, this was an adjustment. Within two years of marriage, I realised he had unresolved anger issues with his immediate kin. His dad was a kind man but had an alcohol addiction. His mom, given to hysterical tantrums, two sisters filled with disdain for his choice of wife from outside faith. No one checked in to see if we were truly happy with each other. The anger cost me my first baby. I miscarried. He drove his bike madly jerking and riding mercilessly, hurting the tender growth inside. Demons took over the sweet guy when in anger. He even tried committing suicide! All of this culminated into severe bleeding post a surgery on piles. He was given 100 bottles of blood and no cure was in sight, nor the cause known. As a wife, I knew the deep anger and pain he was releasing. I was pregnant the second time around with bed rest dictated. At a time like this, his kin took him to a Government hospital. The reason cited was a Doctor relative. The Real Reason, was no one wished to spend money on him. We had nothing in the bank.
I was called in.
“He has only few minutes...”
I froze! Then I did a soul talk. I do this each time someone is facing death. No training. Just a natural thing. I asked my husband’s soul “Do you wish to live? If not, I permit you to go, don’t suffer. I and our child will survive...!”
In that intuitive moment, a woman communicates to a true soul mate, she found a feeble but firm answer “I wish to join you and our child and Live. I do not wish to go!”
The bond accepted, and the change executed.
I came in his room, looked in his eye and told him.
“You will live, now that I am here. I will be by your side in this hospital, till and as long as it takes...”
He took a deep breath and absorbed my faith.
The faith of a Determined woman. I had the strength of two. My little one inside. I had surrendered to my God my child.
Then began a struggle of 27 days. I glimpsed cruel face of humanity, kind gestures of strangers, indifference of nursing staff, hunger. My dad did bring food, albeit once a day, for he lived far. The nursing staff as ruthless as not providing cotton to put underneath a bleeding man. Not providing any gauze to clean wounds. Nurse, helper, cleaner, supporter. We became one in this struggle and emerged the winner. Chants to Lord Shiva, my lifeline and faith in life, my only remedy.
In the moment he was declared healed, I know he was born anew. All the warnings of Doctor of subsequent maladies never came to the fore. I pledged to keep him healthy. Mentally and Spiritually. Yes, he had other struggles to face but health, he took in his hands. Transgressions were handled sternly.
"In that one moment of soul talk, I accepted death. In that another moment I invoked life. For Us."
We were blessed with a baby boy! The best that can be. He is special, for he was in every breath I took in that hospital, in every endeavour I went through later. Battling hunger and uncertainty, chanting the Mrutyunjaya mantra with me, within me. My pride and my inner support. To him I cried, to him I made thousands of promises, when things would be fine. He gave me no trouble. As if to tell me, “Mom, I am there. We will get through this...”
We did.
A baby that has gone through much, will have its ramifications. He developed Idiopathic Thrombocytopenia. His platelets are destroyed by his own body. Doctors told “No intervention is best intervention.” Allopathy had no cure. A mom can never accept that! I had to find an answer. To keep him steady, growing and healthy, I turned to the path of spirituality- Reiki, Crystals, Essential oils! They became friends in healing many a conditions as he grew up! He is a Healthy boy today of 17, and needs very little medication to bounce back from health issues. A miracle of my life, private and precious, just like him.
Our another miracle entered five years later. My water bag broke in middle of the night, a month prior to predicted arrival.
Doctor is worried.
Mother is not.
She is by now used to medical challenges. All it needs is a timely courageous decision. I tell my doc, “Operate, man!”
He is hesitant. "Are you sure? You cannot be anesthetized! Epidural bloc, Can you cope?"
"Cope?! I can make a career out of it!"
To him, I simply said “Anyways, the bag is broken, the child has no sustenance. Get it out, we will nurture it soon enough.”
We spent the next two hours chatting, getting my baby boy out, locking my Fallopian tubes up, after hilarious arguments!!! After the fourth pregnancy and two boys, thank you!
Once the bub came out, it was a Vacation party, since it was April.
His Asthma healed through essential oils fully. His hand operation dealt with the faith of Chants and oodles of Mom love. No trace of anxiety while dealing with medical crises.
This is what Moms are made of.
Acceptance of a situation and then making bold and daring timely decisions. Sometimes, a prayer from the depth of a Heart of a Mom. God too cannot ignore it.
For I am The Acceptance and I am The Change.
All bold and daring decisions are followed by consequences. Once out of the Hospital, a decision had to be made to distance a little from hysterical figures. To risk them again, would be taking away chances of my weakened husband’s recovery system. There was a price. They took away our home. Just one room key left with me. That remained. No income, no bank balance, no money, a baby to raise, a family of three.
As a woman, with a ten day old baby and just recovering husband, life offered few avenues, besides myopia created severe vision issues.
One room! Then... took a decision that would have far reaching effects on our fortune. I joined hands with my husband and began tuition classes. A baby feeding underneath me while I checked papers, taught Grammar. A baby to change diapers while reading Geography. I learned time-management, finished lessons while the baby slept, and talked to students what mattered to them when the baby did not allow any teaching. As a result, work flourished for students loved our class. They saw a mother teaching, learning, caring for a baby.
They saw a Mom and Dad, together, raising a baby. Yes, my husband shared every bit of baby chores. Cooing, cleaning, putting him to sleep, changing diapers, feeding, story telling! We learned to save money for important things. Learned to live tightly and save, buy a home and raise a happy family. Had I been a housewife like I had been earlier, this whole gamut of experiences would have eluded me. To run a house on as less as Rs. 3000, was our miracle.
Yes, demands of Gold and stuff were never made for we knew where money comes from, where it goes. Post the second pregnancy, I could rest, but I valued the money we earned together and how it gave more freedom to my kids. We raised them simply, but comfortably. We do live a comfortable existence now, but I learned, finances are not only a male's duty, just as home chores do not belong only to women. When a husband and wife work as a unit, Paradise manifests!
I could, for I grasped the situation. Instead of whining or going “Poor thing me and cruel them” I gave Universe a strong message, "I, along with my husband am the sole creator of our Destiny. I will work hard. Give me work!"
Universe sent me loads and loads of students. In each student, I see my son’s needs fulfilled. So each student becomes my best attempt. I devise methods so they get it done simply. They get it simply, they stay. Work flourishes.
"Fill hearts with Gratitude and your being with Fortitude!
For you have lessons to learn and lessons to teach.
If you cannot run, Walk!
If you cannot walk, Crawl!
But move you must. Find a way you must."
Keep finding ways through whichever means, to find a higher vibration. Get the best Version of you and those attached to you. Be the force that is wise with experience.
Learn and keep learning. Not only did I teach myself to teach students languages but also learned skills of self development as they came in my path.
In every moment, there is something to learn. A vast Universe lies in a moment. Still everything is momentary.
- Mortality and Immortal plans
There is no Tomorrow. Live Today the best you can. Give to others, the best you can. Choose peace, yes, but forge blazing trails to walk when peace becomes frozen barren islands where nothing grows or thrives.
Accept when a detour is required and Change the path when guided.
Only a woman holds the key to unlock what no one has before.
As I move about in life, learning and teaching, I also accept an inevitable fact. Death. It happens to all.
"It is not a pessimistic statement. It is a desire to live, to be immortal beyond my physical stay on Earth."
We can give, only what we have. The money, the possession, all are not mine to keep. My organs are.
I wish to donate those parts of me that can give life to someone. I will live in someone’s Gratitude and add to their life. For each cell of me holds my whisper, my thunder, my love, my determination, my zeal, my valour, my wisdom. I offer the last useful part of me to someone who needs it, with the promise to carry it forward.
In my acceptance, is the inevitable change of Life.
A sustenance for a family who will receive part of me lovingly.
I express it, in complete acceptance of a life lived completely, meaningfully, joyfully. Fully is the emphasis here.
For I request God to keep me Healthy to pass on this Gift.
I declare, I shall take care of my inner being, visceral and spiritual, at its highest level. For we don’t give broken stuff for Gifts.
In being useful, the motto of life be fulfilled.
I ask Health and Happiness from above!
For even God whispers when a Woman thunders!
Be the soft dew that cools,
Be the mild breeze that inspires,
Be the raging inferno that rules,
Be the thunder that conspires,
With powers hitherto unknown,
To bring on land miracles unsown!
You are the maiden’s naive laughter,
You are the bridal sigh,
You are the mother’s lullaby,
You are the tinkle of a bangle, working over the sink...
You are the directive on the success brink!
You are the story that weaves dreamlands for the child to cherish,
You are the caress that make fevers perish!
You are the pride that glows as a warm embrace encircles the beloved,
You are the hug for young hearts to come back to.
You are all of it and more!
What you are, you still have to demonstrate
The humanity awaits to felicitate!
Unleash your aura and Vibrate to the fullest.
You are Me and
I am The Acceptance and I am The Change!
by Sonnal Pardiwala
