Somebody asked me this question and I wondered …a whole set
of insights and interrogations tumbled into my mind and heart…the musings have
brought in lot of thoughts and still I am far from concluding….
First things first! If I have to quote Gibran...your
children come through you and not for you ….I read it as a young teenager and ever since I held my babies in
my hand and helped them grow...I have kept this adage in my heart. Really, do I
even have a right to expect anything for or from my children? Are they
responsible for my happiness or growth or sense of wellbeing? The answers I got
are what I need to pen down… Rather type down. So if ever I were to leave this
path of letting them be...I can bring myself back on track .What I expect from
my children also was very revealing to me and quite startling...a little
unconventional and little out of the ordinary…
Let me get down to what and how I think I want to be Able to
see, relate and function with my kids… very cliché I WANT THEM TO BE HAPPY.
What is new, anyone would ask, every- one wants that .There
is not a single parent on this earth who would not claim this one. Even then
look closely. Every parent gets very closely interlinked with their growing up
and their own possible economic, social and psychological struggle. As
adulthood is the time when pressures are on financially and socially to adhere
to a certain standards ...certain choices and activities parents undertake
because they are mandatory, expected …at times can be deemed as sacrifice by
them. At many junctures in life they may have to give up on certain aspirations
of their own…not pursue a certain career path or relocation idea. These then on
occasions are passed on to the kids to fulfil. Children because they love their
parents may oblige simply to fall in line, express their unconditional love or
simply to seek approval. This may be at the expense of then what they really
want. Result lack of inner glow and now what I define as true happiness. I want
my children to do something only and only because it inspires them ...it
interests them…it ignites them .I do not ever wish that they may be the
recipient of any of my unfulfilled wants and grouses with life. I want this in
everything they do. Even if they join a certain activity, if they choose a
career path, if they choose a life partner …it should be their heart felt
decision. If it makes them sing with joy...laugh with abundance and smile
cheekily with acceptance it should be all theirs.
One would ask “Would you never wish that they be a certain
way?” Oh yes! I do but I would rather share my expectations and leave it at
that .Yes I am a human being and I do have expectations but I am training to
tame them and not let them turn into obsession. I have seen mothers run from
one class to another just so they can claim the credit of their ward’s glory
…it kind of fulfils them…I want to have my own avenues to fulfil me. With my
kids, all I want is, simply be proud of their laurels and a tissue paper for
catching their tears of failures. I want to be there as a confidant simply
examining both and preparing further. The key word that I wish to emphasize is
LOCUS OF CONTROL. I would truly sigh in peace if my kids have a locus of
control, a sense of “I am in charge of what happens to me”.
Many situations came in life for which I was not prepared
…for no one had ever prepared...maybe no one can prepare you. No one can really
help you deal with cruel inhuman people or situations. Life is, at times, not
fair or it does not go as per our plans. That is time a person’s inner power
needs to take charge and say ok- this-happened-now-I-will-deal-with-this. Go
ahead and devise intelligent ways of thinking and coping with it. Always the
focus should be on creating something positive out of a given circumstance and
add to it loads and loads of sense of humour.
That is another expectation from my dear Miracles. I have
been to nasty hospitals where staff was at best inhuman, unkind and ill-
mannered. I have been to Police station,
sorry! Have been dragged to one for no rhyme or reason and humiliated…….and I
have been to a situation of helplessness and utter despair. Yet, when I look
back at these events and recount them to either to my kids or someone close all
it generates is a quirky take on human behaviour and gaffe…It has helped me
tremendously to be able to take it all in my stride for I have this uncanny
sense of humour for a companion .It cannot be given ...it has to be inculcated
by always observing keenly humans and the situations around. We are constantly
living in the midst of a hilarious existence and it comes truly handy…to
observe it and use it to weave anecdotes of your past- significant account of
your past and present…I would love even today to put out my tongue at a kid
whizzing by on a nearby bike without even knowing who he or she is and get a
smile or frown…It helps me love life and smile .So yes I want that my kids
learn to appreciate this truly circus of an existence…enjoy smiling ...spread
smile wherever they go ..and not allow anything much to keep them down for long
.Whatever, life doles out, they catch it with a Responsible shake of head
(locus of control) and sassy smile at the twists and turns of life (sense of
humour) Laughing at times gets back a sense of We- can- handle- it- grip so to
speak….worst of quarrels with my hubby well went off due to one of us calling
on this seedy side of us or one of us would have borne the LATE SO-N-SO-title
for sure ...yes!!! We are foe to be reckoned with when we yell murder ...gross!!!
but one of us pealing into laughter at the absurdity of it all and laughing at
it through the rest of the times have kept us intact all these two decades…and
counting…
On musing further a truly funny thought crossed my silly
mind and that is I WANT MY KIDS TO BE ECONOMICALLY INDEPENDENT sooner than
later…Honestly when I look back at our ancient society kids matured early
mentally and gender specific they were ready to adopt their duties...girls
learned household and culture management…boys ready to pool in with whatever it
is that father did.
I am in no ways advocating child marriage or exploitation
here…only the readiness created in that ancient society in them as to when they
shall partake of their responsibilities and begin fending for themselves .Girls
knew their way around the house and boys the outside zone…I wish to make my
kids ready in every possible way to fend for themselves .It is an unspoken fear
of mine “what if I am not there someday?” Silly but ask any parent and they
will own up to entertaining this fear deep in the recesses of their hearts .I
am only honest enough to word it. …So I want that my boys should cook, clean
and have a knowhow of what to buy and how to buy of everything...from grocery
to grains to stationery to you name it...I would love it if my boys would just
as easily balance a cheque book of their personal account as much as they begin
depositing money they themselves have earned .However in today’s time it looks
not too likely .I have seen societal expectations allowing kids to be students
till the middle of their lives...acquiring degrees and certificates. Later
overcharging their customers for the money they invested...ok little
judgemental am I!!!! Apologise for this, if I hurt sentiments.
Career too is something I feel is not static .In our times
we studied for a degree and that was that our career was made ...done...you
were a banker, teacher, officer...nine to five slave….However today we live in
fluid times... careers change ...people change…opportunities change …availability
changes…so sky is the limit for kids living in this time. Who is to say if the
kid chose to study engineering today would not be excited to paint landscapes
few years down the line…? Who is to say that an M.B.A. may not give up the
corporate path and walk the lane to spirituality or go on to become a renowned
writer? Who is to predict anything ?There are examples galore to quote the
above instances…All that counts is Being happy and to get that thing called
Satisfaction out of life …contentment.
So, as a mother I share fully my traits with my kids. I
share my humorous sad stories with them and affirm I laugh in spite of them. I
cook with them in the kitchen different cuisines and demonstrate you can learn
just about anything. I share my passion for everything with them …right from Spirituality
...to teaching...to learning new languages….to sharing my craziness on a tele–serial
and its characters….to show them that sometimes I just feel tired and plonk on
the bed lazy as a hippopotamus on leave…to being super active on exam schedules
in tuition class (nerds...my kids home-school...no exams for us) ….to being
philosophical on issues which moms never discuss with their sons ...I do…From
rape to racism…everything….to teaching them to rise to every occasion that
demands flexibility…what applied today may have to change tomorrow and we have
to be ready for it….
Whatever they do in life they will find me an excited friend
onto a journey who has only pointers to a way. A readiness to walk with them as
long as they want me to with them…and when the detour comes if it does…I have
plenty yet to share...laugh and live…
Musings shall continue…do stay tuned, with me if you like
and give your valuable feedback...it may differ from mine but we all will learn
from sharing…
© Sonnal Pardiwala
