Unrequited love-How necessary is it?
As a culture , we Indians are an emotional lot. We have
grown up on a steady dope of films depicting tons of characters this emotional
drama. We have surely felt the pain of the ones whose love has not been
returned .It is a sure fire cash in for today ‘s tele-shows to get eye balls
and sure as hell drags the tears out.
As a person I am just amused at the absurdity and immaturity
of it all. As a Mother I am worried..very very worried. My children are growing
and soon they shall walk the lanes of finding their significant other .Soon
they will harbour in their hearts feelings for that someone special. I feel
responsible ,very ,very responsible as to how do I get to talk to my children on
these facts. Sexual education will come a little later. Just now we talk about
tender feelings and reciprocation of it.
As a tuition teacher ,I deal with adolescent kids who are
too going through this phase.As a person who has been exposed to a whole gamut
of relationships ,it is easy for me to see the smiles and the delicate
exchanges first through the eyes and then …well…
What dampens my heart is to see a student pining away for
someone who does not..will not..cannot return these feelings .They get so distracted
then. They lose interest in their studies, in their work per se. I guess even with adults the scene is
more or less the same .For many of the so called adults are also stuck in the
time frame of adolescence and have not yet grown up and out of the dramatics
they nurture in their minds.
What then are the immediate effects?
First , loss of interest. Next ,intense sadness. Next maybe
if the person is very sensitive ,lack of appetite and sleep.
What is of interest which seriously would require
intervention is, Psychological and internal impact. There are various ways this
can manifest.
Bitterness…intense and biting which may lead to unnecessary
scenes and name calling…to subtle gossip and reputation tainting…depends again
on the dynamics of the relationship and the clout of the person in question .Wider
the network of people involved, broader the influence, deeper goes the darker
side of this human nature. It can harm relationships…force people to take sides
and create permanent gaps in otherwise friendly networks.
If the person in question is the silent sort, the hurt
internalises. Somewhere the person finds himself or herself to blame. Feel one
is unworthy not of the object of love but also of any kind of love .This can
get so dangerous. Internalising the pain and probably carrying the low
self-esteem to every other relationship that you may enter. What a waste, if it
at times carries this defeated person to end one‘s life!!!!!
Where does the other party fit in? What can the other person
do if he or she is just unable to reciprocate? After all we are here talking
about an ethereal, zone called feelings. That is one thing maybe we can control
but cannot generate voluntarily for any person.
You may like or not like a person. Love or not love a person. It is not
a factory made product that can be cut to size or produced as per order. If the
person is a friend imagine the guilt…resentment, awkwardness it may generate.
Pity would be such an ugly word but another by-product for a poor thing in love
but not loved.
Would it be not better if as parents we raise these topics
and train kids to feel and respond!!! Ahhh !!! Respond a certain way and not
react….??
If I have an Assertive right to feel for a person can I not
give the same and sane option to another person to reserve the same Assertive
right to not feel for me?
If a person could not love you would it rebound on you as an
unworthy person of love forever or simply an equation not going our way for
only and only that situation?
Why dramatize because tele serials and films do? Why think
in letting go we are doing a huge sacrifice? That is what our culture endorses...we
probably love tears and sniffles specially that are hidden ….
Why not give our gen next this point of view that they can
take a mature stand and learn to recognise such instances as exceptions and not
rules.
Each one of us has a unique space that we share in this
world with others. Each one of us has something valuable we bring in this
universe. Let us celebrate that instead of thinking as one slight on our ego?
If our gen next were to train…train in relationships would
we not have less heart aches. Teach them to simply acknowledge a relationship
that is not going their way .Talk to them that it has no long term bearing on
what they are or who they are. Tell them that their mature shrug and let go
attitude will make space for another special one to walk in. If they have less
baggage they would soon bask in the new love. If they carry the bitterness of
love spurned for sure they will begin playing unworthy me now you work double
to convince me of my worthiness. The poor new one who has walked in to offer
love now instead of loving has to indulge in damage control….
If we were to infuse our kids with their own worthiness…why
should another loving or not loving define them? Their relationships would flow
smoothly and they would be dignified in every encounter with any levels of
relationships they enter. Relationships purpose to to enrich and enhance our
existence but we make it a playground for games and the very people we love we
push them into being our saviours.
Let us truly talk to our gen next about these important
things that make up the tapestry of our life rich...it will be awkward at first
our folks never did. But it will be worth a happy generation with less
heartaches and more smiles as much for us as their near and dear ones…
Let us start early .We need to educate ourselves to educate
our young beings…..pollution and global warming and poverty and injustice of
the world maybe I cannot do much about. I can surely add to my kid’s happiness
and I have begun the process …if only more would join me!!!!!!!
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