Helicopter Eela: A non helicopter mom's Review!

Helicopter parenting just got glamourised coating and a very generous, glossy one!

#HelicopterEela gives me that feeling of envy at being lazy and neglecting my own oomph factor. Looking at Kajol, I feel dumb. Her son is probably the same age as mine and she looks so well groomed all the time. Single parenting seems to have done wonders. I am jealous. She has not a crease on her face, not a freckle and definitely no eye sags. Who wouldn't want a mother who looks that drop dead gorgeous? Even if she crams herself in every space that belongs to him.

They have taken their shots and images of this hovering brand of parenting from existing mommy portals. The typical running behind the kid in a bus with a tiffin and ten thousand instructions. The mock horror on the face when you see the kid cycling free hand. The following the kid on picnic spots. They could not get more original than that. Obviously this is the portal hyped parenting. The makers have no clue how verdant this form parenting is and the ramifications of it on the children recipient of it. This dude turns out very cool with a happier 'Meri Maa ki Parchaai' rock number, inadvertently endorsing it and to an extent enjoying it with his friends. He is complaining about his mom stalking his Twitter, Facebook and much later in the film exasperatedly announces that his mother dear has opened a Facebook account and he won't ever accept her request. In the end though, he proudly accepts it as mother dear won all hearts by singing on the stage.

Dude (Riddhi Sen~ a National Award winner) is so forgiving and tolerant. His anger fizzles off as soon as it rises. Maybe the Kajol effect! You can't stay angry with Kajol after all. Veteran Actor she is!

So what if she plunders her way into his conversation with friends or checks his clothes? So what if she cannot keep a piece of gossip to herself and creates a rift between his two friends? So what she promises to not follow him but nevertheless  forges her way everywhere into the college. They two land up in the same class! They seem to forget where college ends and home begins or viceversa. What were they studying anyway? Which stream? This is not of consequence for College to makers of film is Canteen, one classroom, various clubs and a Drama Theatre Hall.The mother saunters right in and out, saying whatever she wants to whoever she wants including the Principal. (Rather powerless creature)

The son, however, takes it in his stride and offers olive branches all the time. A situation we feel is going to just pull in the friction goes kaboooommm!

Sense of humour is applied in dollops instead of letting the tension be.

The moms may just go in justification mode on their helicopter services as d'Accord because Kajol immortalises it now.

There were few sensitive moments, if they would have let them palpable. The camera doesn't hover or stay enough.

Son asks a poignant, relevant question 'Where is Eela?'

The mother does not get it at all. She is so well entrenched in her role of Mothering him, perfecting this one project that she fails to get the fact that the son's existence envelops her every minute.

She did not move past that provider stage. She has to get to 'Step back stage. She is unwilling to budge. Her being refuses to allow any appeals to move on with other roles.

There was another sensitive unfolding of the Age gap when Kajol is shown sitting alone on a bench of the College. Her attempts to befriend spurned. Her skills don't extend to now swishing with the young gals. Her son observes comprehending her predicament.

I wish they had stayed in this zone of rare understanding of a mother who due to being a single parent went on an overdrive to bring everything for the child, abandoned by a father.

What a silly father, leaving a thriving family on a flimsy, silly reason!

Single parenthood too sounds such a cake walk. Everything happens so smoothly. Their lifestyle so lavish and upmarket.

Where are the mother's restless, sleepless nights of loneliness of struggling with various decisions, milestones and tantrums of a growing kid?

This kid is just hustled and seen making faces and a happy go lucky resigned recipient of mother's loving attention.

He never seemed to want to know what happened to father?

He never ran fever.

He never looked wistfully at a family or even a thing that the mother found it helpless to achieve.

There are rare, lonely struggles single moms go through daily. Feeling unsupported, drained, fatigued with doing it all alone.

Even if I have a supportive, rock solid spouse, parenting at so many junctures demanded all our resources. There were days when I wore the first thing that jumped into my hand from the cupboard. I remember days I forgot to comb my hair because I ran out to the doctor or  because heavier chores left me tired.

Single motherhood on the Proper Bombay side may be easier I suppose. The husband named everything on her before leaving but is it enough to take care of emotional needs?

The mother ramrods her way into his son's college, son's canteen and friends. They scream, converse and casually interact in the college.

I entered a college for my dude's admission and felt awfully awkward. 

This mom is super confident, rags a kid in the class and already gives an interview to TOI for entering college after 22 years. Amazing contacts she has.

Everything falls in place for her except few misfortunes like not getting the Lifebuoy Ad but getting Anu malik's attention and a Remix that Amitabh goes ga ga about after years...

Neha Dhupia was just sitting idle. 

She throws shoes at students. That is enough to send her packing. This is the most reputed college in town we are talking about for God's sake! Even if she missed the aim, the throwing is abusive enough. Our Hindi films have a way of explaining away abuse so adroitly.

What musical or acting talent she possesed anyway for the Principal to suffer her ?

The only mature presence seemed Riddhi Sen, the tolerant and resigned son, who actually eggs his mother to find herself. All it required of course was to sing a song on the stage of a College Fest to find the real Eela and have likes on social media. Some Benchmark of Finding Self! 

Empowerment Gurus warn that media likes aren't the ultimate goal but in this single mom's portfolio it is the penultimate moment after son braves the shoes and jeans to get mom onstage.

College forgot to employ security personnel for the Day?

If you must see the movie, see for impeccable Kajol so you can tell your wife 'Dekho usko!'

If you must see, you must to tell your son 'Dekho kitna achcha baccha he, maa ke sab sitam hus ke sahe... Only you keep throwing tantrums...'

If you must see, you must for the song 'Yaadon ki Almari' and 'Ruk Ruk Arre Baba Ruk' Kajol's expressions are a steal! She is a stunner!

I envy Kajol for her porcelain clear beauty at 40+. I admire the lovely ironed Kurtis she adorned. Ironed clothes for me are truly special occasions! Even if my kids are grown up, there are crores of chores  multiple decisions to make, tremendous variety of trembling destinations to reach to about their career, daily needs, swinging emotional balances, sibling tussles, health predicaments.

In all this still I found myself and formed a small little island of me.

That was and is the message Helicopter Eela wants to portray that a mom must find an inimitable part of herself so she does not obsess over her child's trivialities. For her obsession focused on a teenager's 'dabba' more than what course he is taking or where his life is headed! I get sleepless nights over my teenage son's life ahead and not what he is upto with his cell phone or check his pants and bags. The concern ends there. This mother is so short-sighted in her view of her son that limited things of his are under scanner.

The parenting nuances are overlooked. The jibes cliché. I worry if my son sees this film. He may turn around and ask me 'Why, you don't love me! You never check me or my belongings?'

I am doomed already.

Must take classes to review my parenting. 

-Sonnal Pardiwala 

Cognitive Diversity and Supportive Care

Two concepts every parent needs to take to heart.

As usual, I illustrate with a life instance of our own.

When we use the term Cognitive Diversity with Children, it means each child has a different way of processing information, responding to a stimuli and has a self created pace to it. They pick up social cues differently and decode it depending on their own cognitive capacities, parental acceptance, home environs, cultural inputs.
If we were to Accept each frequency, we would not have the need to diagnose or over diagnose a human being into a label.

Dyslexia
Dysgraphia
Dyscalculia
Attention Deficit Hyper Activity Disorder (invented recently)
Down Syndrome
Slow learning
Mental Retardation
Cerebral Palsy.
Speech, visual, physical impairments.

Yes these are some mental /physical health issues that are present in our lives.

These viewed from lenses of Cognitive Diversity give you a sense of power and purpose.

For even if you were to reach the diagnosis point, you will know another prognosis that says 'There is no medical cure. "

It has to be managed.

That brings us to creating a Supportive Care that aids the child to reach their maximum capability, whatever that is.

Acceptance is the key that unlocks many a doors.

Intelligent and sensitive management of the situation brings the parent child closer and bond deeper.

A child is given to you to mould and love.

Don't put them out in front of health staff and relatives to dissect.

So, Shahen in 2003, was given a verdict of ITP.

Restrictions of medications.
Bruises at slightest injury.
Fear of bleeding lurking
Continuous blood tests
Confining the kid from playing. For no contact sports for him.

We spend few anxious months before acceptance set in. Internet was not so wide spread in use with us then.

We met doctors, found out all we could and then accepted it.

Decided it would never be a limitation that will stop him from leading a full life.

We as parents co-ordinated. We would not go to the washroom without informing the other. We supervised his play from far. Some injuries took months to heal. We took it in our stride.

In school he could not attend Sports so we arranged with a heavy heart that he sit the hours in the library. Yes, his heart ached when he looked over from the library window the running kids. He compensated by lapping up all the books in library.

He got grievously injured in school and we were on homeschooling by then. We opted out.

Our trust in Universe deepened. He found gentle friends. He began playing cricket. He cycles now.

He is well-read.

Had we made rounds of doctors looking for the invisible, unattainable cure, we would have put in him a fear of life. His zest would have dimmed. We were barraged by relatives with vaidyas, ayurvedic and homeopathic cures, bhabhutis and babas and miracle drugs.

The doctor had explained: Every third day, immunity kills platelets, just in your child's case, more than needed.

Spiritual healings gave us the mental strength but the Supportive Care that was arranged made all the difference.

We talked to him about his special condition, yes Condition, never referred to it as a Disease or Inconvenience.

The precautions needed were taken when we went for outings but we also learned to overlook the bumps and bruises that happened.

Happens! Was our Mantra. We dealt with it and kept living. We brought opportunities of Public Speaking, Scripting, blogging, reading, psychological coaching which requires zero physical exertion yet encouraged when he went cycling for hours or played cricket or ran around in rains.

Every Condition is manageable. First accept and then actively get involved in creating a Supportive Environ for the child. The message to be conveyed is 'We love you and you are valuable.'

Avoid relatives who come in with fixes and restrictive guilt inducing cures.

Whether a Genetic Disorder or learning or behaviour, each can be managed. Learn all there is about the condition.

Accept Medicine has no cure.

Create Support within the family.

Father, Mothet Child and sibling, if any. Rest are outsiders if they do not form a team with you.

Do not medicate amphetamines to a so called ADHD or hyper kid and ruin them for life.

Do not forcibly try to fit a child meant to be safe and secure.

If they are different, you create a different Environ.

Fitting in is anyway outdated.

Sonnal Pardiwala 

Parenting: Seeds Of Conflict

#Parenting #Homeschooling #Resistance #SeedsOfConflict #PowerStruggles
Dear parents,
I begin today to share my insights on mommyhood n parenting in general. I am an authority?! No! But yes, I have two Rocking individuals who spend their childhoods with me.
I gave birth to two people. Did they apply for my parentage? NO!

To become a parent was my need stemming from a prescriptive societal need.
*The question I want you to focus on is 'Why did I become a parent?'
Give honest answers to yourself. Not me, not your kid, not anybody else
Two individuals, my son's, happened to join me on the plane of this Earth at a time when Internet had not happened to me. It was there but I was not in it full time, like I am today. I have adapted it beautifully, Yes, but I am aware how it affects Parenting today.
Besides we have well wishers in the form of friends, relatives, aunties, in-laws.
Together they are always telling you how to raise your child. What you are doing, often times is wrong according to them.
Like you mommies, when my child was born, I was in the righteous zone of doing it right. I was overtly obsessed with infections, bacteria, TV time, educational aids and the right kind of education. Fortunately, only for few hours of my life.
Sense prevailed and I learned to focus on my kids. My children are my Biggest School and Resource. We do not have Power Struggles and Seeds of Conflict sown into our lives at all. My children are developmentally at two different stages and we relate at all levels. Their Resistance and No, I take seriously and Popular Advice can go take a big jump.
We live in a time when we wish to 'micro manage' our kids from Day 1. Pause please. The individual given to you is a Natural human with instincts and tendencies and preferences. Are you capable of honouring it?
To know a Child, you must first Know yourself.
Do you know yourself enough to guide another human?
Deep contemplation is required here. You are a product of your parents, culture and lately the popular thought line of social media.
Daily, blogs are written on what to feed your children, how to feed your children, calories are measured and carbs counted!
The power struggle begins when you offer a food and your child turns the mouth away. Resistance.
You become more determined, read more, talk in Whatsapp groups, get loaded advice, come back, try again, win some, lose some. Power struggles begin that young. You tell your child. Not You, but what I want is important. I think this is Healthy, (links prove it! Try sharing links with your little angels which you share so profusely like darts of arrows? Not one iota of healthy interest you will elicit🍼😆)
Have you ever paused and simply observed that since times immemorial we ate what we liked. We eat for nourishment and whatever we eat with Joy becomes that.
Ever try to give up your need to feed Healthy. Just Feed. Child is a natural being born with an urge of hunger. They will eat when hungry. Can we patiently wait and make available different foods to them when that hunger begins and observe what they do like?
More often than not it goes. This is what they must eat. This is how much they should eat. This is how they should eat. No wonder, food times are becoming war zones and stress for new mommies zooms up. You new mommies and daddies take way too much in your plate.
Once my children weaned, they sat with us and ate whatever was there. Junk, natural, semi natural et al. They are healthy eaters today and cook for themselves when I absent myself from the kitchen.
Observe a bit, if you get off your righteous 'I am the zealous mommy/daddy' zone and simply observe what brings twinkle to your child's eyes and where the frown goes up. Heavy clues, not available in any link, Insta story or Parenting Tabloid. Right in front of you, pleading for attention. It is a simple choice. Your high horse or Child's happy buggy. Choose well.
Next comes the stage of Schooling. Here too remember your life is not a laboratory, your child is not a mouse to be experimented with. It is Education. School requires flash cards and worksheets. The Child does not!
I repeat, child does not.
Can you accept it? Here begins another Seed of Conflict. Social media, mommy groups, popular agenda, has you under the influence of 'Do this and you are a good parent!'
So you go, buy stuff, books, educational games and what not. Half the things you complain, your child is not excited about.
How do you deal with it next?
Shame and Guilt. People use it on adults all the time. Clever arguments on one upmanship. We still have not learned the adult way of 'This is what I am, now deal with it.'
Faced with that alternative, I will decide to alter myself, leave the interaction or meet halfway.
We go berserk in the process of embellishing the process called Education. Let us get it straight. It is either Schooling or Education. They both are separate.
Child has natural tendencies and is learning each moment. Right from the first breath. Just what they wish to learn and what you wish they learn and how they learn creates conflict again.
You get them worksheets, they make faces. You bribe, you threaten, you manipulate.
Result: Stress. Temporary Obedience.
Ever thought, the nubile one who subjugates out of fear today may react differently when in power later?
They throw out food, perform poorly on studies, misbehave with guests, play power games whilst dressing; may walk out once Grown up?
Distance from Drama for a while. First find out Who you are.
Next observe your children. They will give you superclues what they want. Act on them. Let them know you read their needs and respect it. As they grow learn the Art of Negotiating or laying boundaries. Not threats. Reasonably discussed boundaries.

Walk a mile from popular agendas guiding your actions and revise your strategies of what needs to stay and what can go. Avoid power struggles and seeds of conflicts with your children.
Follow their lead. They will follow yours too. A happy baby is not one who puts a certain brand's soap, shampoo, powder or eats a cereal of a certain brand or fruit in measured proportion or who wears a certain brand or counts and sings well. A happy baby is one who hugs well, whose eyes twinkle with Joy all the time, who discovers personal delight in the world around, finds his/her own God, religion, meaning in a book he reads, finds his own strategy of adding and multiplying, eats heartily without judgement, hugs mom and dad back and says 'I love you Mom and Dad', voluntarily and looks at the world as a big Theme park ready to explore. With or Without You. I would prefer if it is with me. So I say, my children happened to me. I don't raise them. We rise together.
Sonnal Pardiwala @
#SonnalPardiwala